Hoping they’ll teach my kid to flush the toilet in college because there are no indications that he’ll figure it out before then
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I can never tell if my cat left a dead bird at my door, or if it’s the dead bird I ordered from Amazon.
The idea of a fight club with rules is ridiculous. My fight club can’t even keep track of the snack chart.
Guitar dude: here’s wonderwall
Clumsy dude: here’s blunderwall
Pirate dude: here’s plunderwall
Thor dude: here’s thunderwall
Store dude: here’s refunderwall
Escaping dude: here’s underwall
Blue dude: here’s undertheweatherwall
You never get a second chance to make a first impression…
…and so I bite.
Breaking news:
“Alcohol is just water with feelings in it,” said the girl who failed chemistry.
My dad and I were never that close. The company he worked for once had a “father-son” picnic and he invited his father
Thoughts and prayers for my 17 year old. Nothing’s wrong with her. She’s just mad that she has to put gas in her own car on a cold day.
Married life be like, “I need you to explain what is happening in this show as if I haven’t been watching every episode for the last 4 seasons with you.”
Boss: I thought I said no costumes this week.
Me: These are my clothes.
DATE: you smell so nice – what are you wearing?
ME: Febreeze
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
Four polite Canadians arrive at a four way stop sign simultaneously.
…The end.
I was so touched last week when a shopkeeper handed my 3yo a donut without checking with me, that today I gave his teen a bag of heroin.
My date was all ‘next time come to my place and I’ll cook you some food in my air fryer’ and I was like ‘lol sure and I’ll play you some songs on my air guitar’ and then she was like ‘I need to see other people’.
Did anyone ask the daylight if it wanted to be saved?
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
I hope you prayed for me in church today.
There’s nothing I have going on, I just like the attention.
Thx
Look, if I offer you a bite of my calamari, you’re bound to offer me a bite of your food. Legally, it’s known as Squid Pro Quo.
me, recommending a book: this book DESTROYED ME. this book RIPPED MY VERY BEING APART. i read the end sobbing in a fetal position on the floor and i didn’t move for three hours. please read it HIGHLY RECOMMEND IT
General: Why is the whole battalion yellow and slimy?
Me: I mustard the troops.
General: …
Me: Just as you told me to, sir.
he said he adored my imperfections.
and i was like WHAT IMPERFECTIONS????
One of the most romantic things a rose can do for another rose is leave a trail of human body parts from the front door to the bedroom.
[Classroom in 2064]
Student: So how did the war start?
Teacher: Well you see, Seth Rogen and James Franco made a movie..
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
I’ve seen enough movies to know that the first step to stealing a car is jamming a screwdriver into the ignition.
Her: Sir, you account has been hacked.
Me: Twitter?
Her: No. Your Bank acc.
Me: Ooooh Thank God.
The best detective novels are the ones where the detective is on holiday but then get forced to solve a local murder. We’ve all been in that situation where we just want some peace and quiet but then a holidaying detective shows up and solves the murder we’ve just committed.
When people ask how my childhood was, I say “Pretty good, so far.”
Lady at my gym is pedaling a stationary bike while eating chips right out of the bag. I’m hiring her as my personal trainer.