Youth may have many decadent pleasures. But at my age, based on the sounds I make, relieving my bladder is pure euphoria.
You Might Also Like
My family doesn’t know about the secret compartment under the floorboards where I keep my working phone charger, sharpies and toothpaste that I squeeze from the bottom
hitman: [about to jump out of my closet]
me: [walks in wearing nothing but a cowboy hat] alexa play dancing queen
hitman:
professor x: what’s your power
me: time travel and a full head of hair lol
professor x: get out
[5 seconds later]
professor x: what’s your power
me, wearing a hat: time travel
Her: You ate that banana so fast, I don’t even think you took the sticker off the peel.
Me: Peel?
Why do people try to trick babies into thinking airplanes are delicious?
“My nose is going to grow now” said Pinocchio, rending a paradoxical black hole in the fabric of space-time.
Anytime my husband upsets me, I just add more shampoo bottles to our shower. Currently, there’s 47.
Me neighbor and I just exchanged nods acknowledging we’re both wearing the same outfit as yesterday.
The Amazon toy catalogue came to the house and my kids have already run up a 3 million dollar Christmas list tab.
I am your dream girl if your dream girl suddenly dissapears into plumes of feathers and occasionally seeks vengeance against a betraying human by turning them into an oak tree. Also may or may not steal entire baguettes off window sills.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
My neighbor broke up w her bf and piled all his stuff on the curb and I just added a boxspring to it bc I’ve been meaning to get rid of it
If I ever get trampled to death by a herd of cattle I want my obituary to say I was pasturized. Thanks.
Laughed hysterically and said “Oh yes, please do” after the pizza shop guy asked if he could put the sauce in my box. I think I scared him.
I…do not understand how electricity works.
it’s finally my moment to shine
My Dad absolutely hated it when I left lights on in a room:
Him *flipping switch*
Up means on and down means off…OFF. See how neat that is?Me: And this is something that’s important to you?
He didn’t seem to be fond of smartass comments either.
Atheists are Popeless romantics.
Mosquitoes use a numbing agent so we feel no pain from their bites. This is one easy way to tell if you were bitten by a mosquito or a shark
Can’t wait for Daylight Saving Time to end this weekend so the clock in my car will have the correct time.
You have been warned.
when i was born i was no bigger than a hotdog, and no better. now i am the size of many hotdogs, and just as good
Once upon a time I could complete a sentence and then I had kids. The end.
Work from home? I don’t even work from work.
When I undress there is a radiant shower that falls. Not of money or glitter, but of dog hair.
I wonder what happens if you put on Axe body spray and Old Spice deodor-
POOF![ponytail appears]
… and another thing, who’s responsible for non-virgin olive oil?
Kids insults are great. My youngest told my oldest “If your clothes were any tighter, you’d look like a wiener dog”