me: *finds new bruise*
brain: press it
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TurboTax: Do you have any dependents?
Me: Just one.
TurboTax: Dependent’s last name?
Me: B-E-Z-O-S
Midwestern pride is suffering through cold morning temps in October without a coat because you don’t want to give Mother Nature the satisfaction and it will likely be summer again in the afternoon.
The current world population is 7.67 billion people. In 1971, when “Imagine” was written, it was 3.78 billion.
So if you’re listening today you should really only be expected to imagine 49.28% of the people.
I spent tonight convincing my toddler that naps are different than sleep so even if she won’t go to sleep she can at least nap, what I’m saying is, don’t mess with moms, we got game
The rare times my cat approaches me for affection, I run away and hide under the bed so she knows what that feels like.
Me: [dies in the living room]
Dad: He never liked following directions
I saw an audiologist today, but I think I’ll get a second opinion. Why on earth would I need a heron egg?
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
I don’t think humans are capable of sounding more disgusting than when they are being rude to their mothers or singing along to Mariah Carey
I don’t trust people who keep their jackets on after they’ve arrived.
That’s what I do when I’m going to escape.
My cat is trying to kill me. 🤣
[raises arms to stretch, a cardinal swoops in and lays an egg]
I guess it’s time to shave for summer.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
[Chasing a dog on my bike]
Me *breathlessly* how is he reaching the pedals?!
[Me, on my deathbed]
Wife: Is that what you’re going to wear?
Marriage is seeing your spouse happy, and wondering if it’s because they’re fantasizing your death.
opening a flower shop called women in stem
Telling my wife I’m taking her someplace fancy is my way of getting 4 hours to myself while she gets ready.
Men always say they like strong, smart women until you argue with them. And then they’re all like: You talk too much….and I want my Mommy.
This sweet pup found a new friend 🖤
me: how was school?
son: i got in trouble today
me: what for?
son: kung fu fighting
me: wow I’m so disappointed
son: but everybody was doing it
[looking in the mirror and thinking about how I’m created in God’s image] wow God needs to go on a diet.
In my DMs there are people saying I’m a shit doctor because I want to lose weight, and I’m thinking wow the public needs to be educated about the various roles in healthcare.
I’m a cancer doctor. A shit doctor is called a gastroenterologist. Follow for more insider info.
*Tries to start the wave at a funeral
The volume of your sneeze determines the volume of my bless you.
Always keep your head up and stand proud! That way your double chin won’t show in your pictures.
One of the happiest days of my life was when I walked down the aisle.
And saw that Tesco had a 3 for £12 offer on bottles of wine.
ME (undercover, approaching craps table): One crap please, my good man.
Start calling divorces “incidents”
Level up on that intrigue
7-year-old: *telling me the rules of a game she made up* The goalies get swords.
Me: I am so in.