Person: Don’t bite the hand that feeds you.
Me: I understand.
*I spend the rest of my life biting the hands of everyone who hasn’t fed me*
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Clients after you give them your rates
Oh my God.
Found pickle trapped next to a rock in the river. Grabbed it out of curiosity. Realized it was a pickle. Grossed out I threw it back into river. Decided I needed a picture. Chased pickle down the river. Jumped in river in newly thrifted sneakers for pickle. Took picture. Voila.
jesus take the wheel, my smartwatch is telling me it’s time to stand up
“This won’t end well, mark my words.
Mark, my words.
MARK.
MY WORDS! I NEED MY WORDS, MARK!!!”*Mark sweatily fumbles with the script*
my head, thawed from cryogenic storage 1000 years in future: boy, i could go for a pizza
lab staff: what is ..peet-za?
my head: throw me out the window right now i’m not even exaggerating
Tie a scarf around your doorknob so Amazon knows your Husband is home and to come back later.
When a woman says, “We need to talk”, it’s no good. Never has a woman said, “We need to talk” and followed it up with “about pillow forts”.
I once brought great shame to my children by telling the drive-thru attendant I’d take as many ketchup packets as he could give me.
no one is as indignant as a person who was correctly accused of sleeping
If you read the instructions carefully, the first step to making any microwavable lunch is to throw away the box and dig it out of the trash
*Heaven*
God: you may ask me 1 question
Me: Why aren’t there lowercase and uppercase numbers?
God: what?
Me: I wanna write loud numbers
Going to spend some time this weekend getting in touch with my inner pumpkin.
Make allergy season more exciting by snorting confetti so that every time you sneeze it’s like a little party on your face.
If the earth is flat, so is my stomach.
DATE: I want to be with someone that fights for change
ME: [with a mouth full of lasagna] I won’t fight other people for less than minimum wage
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
“I missed you today.”
“Awwww I missed you too.”
*both frantically reload dueling pistols*
I asked my boyfriend “How pretty am I on a scale from 9.5-10?”
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
[amazon dropping off my order]
Me: yes! my new recliner arrived!
Cat: yes! my new scratch pad arrived!
Me:
Cat: Tomato Tomahto
wrestling movies: im sad and i have something to prove to my dad
actual wrestlers: my name is Nutbuster Mike and i dont care if i die
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Netflix subtitles be like “[speaks Japanese]” well okay baby but what they saying???
My 8yo just said she’s “lactose intelligent,” so hit her up with any pressing dairy questions.
I made a new rule at dinner tonight.
Every time my kids complained about my cooking, I gave them an extra helping.
It was the quietest meal we’ve had in months.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Beware of the dog..
Me: Would you consider going out with a guy a little older than yourself?
Her: Well of course I would. Why, do you have a son?