A show I auditioned for premieres tonight so we should be filming my scenes any minute now.
You Might Also Like
So she was like, “Put on some protection”. I then pulled out & wore a yellow construction hat. We laughed & laughed & now I have herpes.
Last night I woke up freezing and discovered that my husband had stolen all the covers. I did what any mature, married woman would do; I woke him up and told him I heard a strange noise downstairs.
KID:Dad what’s the difference between a gerbil and a rat
DAD WHO IS A MAFIA BOSS:A gerbil sleeps in a cage and a rat sleeps with the fishes
I blame cartoon elephants for influencing how I overreact when I see a mouse.
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
If you’re not following me and received this tweet, it’s because someone is smarter than you.
me: do you have these but in the pretzel version
pet store employee: sir please put all the goldfish back into the tank
Last night my mom made dinner, serving up a nice plate of “You had so much potential” with a steaming side of “You shoulda married Jeff.”
[doctor’s office]
ME: I’m here for my test results
[the vulture perched above his desk shuffles impatiently]
DR: I have some bad news…
whenever i see that someone somewhere has spent a bunch of time making or designing or building something i think about how crazy it is that they never thought to check in with me, the guy with no skills or expertise who spent 10 seconds looking at a tweet about it
I don’t want your undivided attention. I want your multiplied attention. Make clones of yourself and give me all of their attention too.
left this note on the counter last night and my dad called me out of my room to talk about it
Kids: We are making you a Christmas gift!
Me: Oh, that is so sweet-
K: *pull out paint*
Me: You really don’t-
K: *pull out glue*
Me: Really, guys, I don’t need-
K: *pull out glitter*
Me: Christmas is cancelled.
Show me on this doll where the bad man gave you a skewed perspective of a female body
I think I finally found your G-Spot. It’s been in my wallet the whole time.
I learn something new every day that I didn’t want to know.
80% of parenting is trying not to laugh when you’re supposed to be mad
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
In the 2020 Little Mermaid, Ariel decides to stay underwater.
How old people make use of canes:
10% walking.
90% shaking & waving at whippersnappers.
[looking down from heaven]
darwin: 5 bucks on ladder guy
angel: i’ll take the one on the ground
darwin: 10 if it’s both
angel: you’re on
Dude! Stop being such a baby, man up, walk over there and ask her if she like, ‘like-likes’ me.
same vibe as tangled headphones
*pulls fire alarm in apt building*
*everyone runs outside*
[Me on megaphone]IVE GATHERED U HERE B/C SOME OF U STILL HAVE CHRISTMAS LIGHTS UP
Is there any rejection more humiliating than when you try to tickle someone and it doesn’t work
guys, i almost wrote an inspirational tweet what is happening
Are black guys the ones with big dicks?
Because if so, I think I might be a black guy.
[MURDER TRIAL]
JUDGE: So in 27 years of marriage, you never knew your wife was allergic to salt?
MR.SLUG:[Into mic] That’s correct.
Mint flavored condoms called condomints. Thanks for following.
me: you’ve changed since you go the pfizer vaccine
Jepfpf: no I haven’t
Geopfpf: I think she was talking to me