Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
You Might Also Like
My daughter and I tell each other “you are pretty” when the other does something stupid. Obviously, we say like 15 times a day.
Bruce Banner with his hand stuck in a Pringles can, getting more and more frustrated
[first date]
Boy: so where are you from?
Me: [points to all you can eat sign]
I live here now.
Just saw that my wife was googling ballroom dancing lessons and now I’m hoping that she’s having an affair.
“Watch this guy slap himself in the face.” -mosquito
I tried to kill a bug with febreeze but it didn’t work and now the room smells like lilac and fear.
My sister made pancakes and after devouring 5 of them, she tells me
“It rises in the yeast and sets in the waist” 🙆🏾♀️🙆🏾♀️
the joker: lol i’m going to get rid of the one thing you care most about
batman [through gritted teeth]: pancakes
robin [slowly being dropped into pool of sharks]: what
Oh, please… A few us get together, shave our heads, turn our property and money over to a charismatic leader, and SUDDENLY it’s a cult!
6: I’m hungry
Me: Well it’s almost dinner time so no snacks right now
6: If it’s almost dinner why aren’t you in the kitchen?
Husband: Oh no
doctor: I have bad news and ambiguous news
me: what’s the ambiguous news?
doctor: one of us is dying
Pediatrician: I’d like to discuss your son’s limited interest in, or ability to, interact with others.
Me: Absolutely. Email me?
Me: The face is a tortilla. The eyes are banana slices and the mouth is made of peanut butter. His name is Bertram. He’s my best friend.
[12 minutes later]
Me: I have eaten my best friend.
me: an open casket with my vape pen hanging from my mouth
wedding DJ: i meant final requests for songs man
“I just wanted to create something that makes a horrible ripping sound. The adhesive aspect was just an accident.”
– inventor of velcro
My Alexa overheard my Roombas talking and, long story short, I now have 114 Roombas in my living room circling their god, Alexa.
Can you imagine how awkward it would be if your pet went on your phone and found the 1000s of pictures you have of them sleeping
[dog bites my arm off]
owner: lol don’t worry he’s just playing
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
I enjoy visiting countries where I don’t speak the language because it requires zero effort to tune out everyone around me.
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Hamburglar search history:
• sentence for stealing burgers
• do inmates get burgers
• what is prison “beef”
• countries that don’t extradite
If any of my ex-girlfriends are reading this, I want you to know I’m eating chicken nuggets with THREE different dipping sauces, you blew it
All I ask is that when I’m murdered, you make my chalk outline four sizes smaller.
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
*pterodactyl wakes his wife up pissing at 3am*
WIFE: I thought your pee was supposed to be silent!!!
I should have known my first marriage was doomed from the start when the minister hurried us along because a funeral was coming in.
Life hack