friend: wish you were here!
me, abruptly stopping whatever I’m doing and captaining a speedboat approaching your house: oh really
You Might Also Like
He died doing what he loved, waving a metal rod on a rooftop in a storm, yelling FU, GOD! Although he slipped & fell, Ted’s memory lives on.
An object at rest stays at rest and an object in motion is stupid because it could be resting.
drake: twenni one, can you do something for meee
21 savage emerging from his pokeball: twenty one
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Ironically the best judge is someone who knows both parties fairly well, and can attest that both parties are idiots.
Using my dog as a shield, but just to absorb the slobber from my other dog.
Protect your Twitter account from plagiarism by only tweeting things that nobody cares about.
Unfortunate story layout on Apple News this morning.
My mom asked me to pick her up from the airport. I know she raised me, but if I do this, we’re even.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
I establish dominance by setting my 8 layer dip next to your 7 layer dip at your party.
Me: this math stuff isn’t gonna help us in the real world
[20 years later]
Boss: ok lift on three
Me: oh shit
If taking off your pants doesn’t solve your problems, get different problems.
Me- We are here for some new pants for you. Please go and find a pair that you like and will wear
11- Ok
Me- *Waiting*
11- *Searches entire clothing section, returns and hands me a hat
I think some of you need an exorcism not an intervention.
Detective: Did your husband have any enemies, ma’am?
Wife: Well, the cat next door never really liked Jim, and that always seemed a bit odd.
[In meeting]
Boss: any comments?
Me: I wish I was drunk right now.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
if i got pregnant i would simply hold it in
cute girl 1: i’m a vegetarian
cute girl 2: i’m a vegan
me (trying to impress): i’m a vegetable
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
People laugh cause I’ve got 3 cats, but come the next Ice Age, when I speed past you on my cat sled, who’ll be laughing then?
You guys, we should do a shot. I’m gonna do a shot, who wants a shot?
~my favorite guy at the bar.
The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
I miss the eighties when the biggest problem was saving the local youth center with a break dancing fundraiser.
Wife: [looking off into the distance] Babe, what do you really want in this life?
Me: I want what Link & Zelda have.
Wife:
Me:
Wife: [after a long moment] the master sword?
Me: yes.
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
*walks outside to see an abandoned post-apocalyptic desert, humanity wiped out, no one to be seen*
“Ugh the ONE day my hair looks perfect”
Omg, you guys, the Jehovah’s Witnesses just showed up at my door, and I guess I’ve been living alone for too long because I talked so much they finally had to excuse themselves.
*seductively eats two tums*