Dear diary,
Sorry for only ever talking about myself. How are you? Do you have any hobbies?
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There’s no law that says it has to be night to howl at the moon.
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
Hey, I may not look like much right now, but believe me, in the morning I’ll look even worse.
Airport Security: Please remove your shoes
Man: Don’t be ridiculous, I’m no terrorist
AS: Sir, do you want to use the bouncy castle or not?
God grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot kill, the courage to blow up the things I can, and the wisdom to not get caught.
Hey girl, do you like bad boys?
[drinks milk from carton]
Or REALLY bad boys?
[eats spoonful of yogurt one day after expiration date]
The recommended age to have a Ouija Board is 8+ years old.
So, you need to be 21 years old to drink alcohol and 8 to summon the devil.
I hear all these Trump supporters saying they support him because he speaks his mind. Well you know who else speaks his mind? My 4 year old.
Neighbor: It’s July, you need to take down the xmas lights.
Me: It’s no worse than your stupid yard gnome.
Neighbor: That’s my wife.
Whenever someone asks how i’m doing & walks away before i answer..I write “GREAT” on the side of thier car with my keys!
Establish dominance at the dentist by trying to swallow everything they put in your mouth
I’m at the bar & I’m trying to convince this girl with a leopard print shirt to go & bite this girl with a zebra print shirt.
Me: The timing is off
Mechanic: Okay, but I can’t help you with your jokes
Person: Did you see Top Gun with Tom Cruise?
Me: He was busy that day. I saw it with somebody else.
If I’m grilling and I can see you grilling, we will engage in a ceremonial tong click and bow.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
Sure, I miss the 80s. You know who really misses the 80s? Serial killers. No cameras, no developed forensics, no social media…
Dinner guests: (shifting uncomfortably in their seats)
50 Shades of Letting People on the Train Know You’re Not Getting Laid
Does laundry while drinking
*somehow washes a lampshade
When we were at the store, my daughter went up to a lady who was holding a pretty bottle and asked her what it is was and when she told her it was shampoo my daughter actually asked “What’s shampoo?” so I’m expecting a visit from social services any day now.
Me: I’m gonna renovate the house once I get my promotion. After that, kids maybe?
Date: Are you still talking about The Sims?
Me: Of course.
My kids are fighting about who the cat likes more. We don’t even have a cat
🎶we are never ever ever getting back together
– a pair of my socks saying an emotional goodbye to each other in the washing machine
wish there was an edit option when d atm shows ur account balance!
I am dedicated. I go to the gym every day, and I’ve kept my sea monkeys alive for 12 years.
Sorry I asked, “Is it friendly?” & tried to pet your baby.
[first day as detective]
Me: looks like he was shot in the head
Partner: any sign of forced entry?
Me [pointing at bullet wound]: well yeah
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
i’m laughing very hard in real life
All mushrooms are edible.
Some only once.