Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
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Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
Pretty cute that my husband wanted to role-play that I was his maid and then not break character for 14 years.
this is my favourite piece of literary criticism of all time
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
[1st day working at bank]
BOSS: What are you doing??
ME: I gave that man a personal loan.
BOSS: YOU’RE THE JANITOR
Pugs. Because you can’t own E.T.
My kid actually changed her sheets today but only because the old ones desperately crawled to the laundry room on their own.
*me, at high school prom
Me: So, you wanna dance?
Her: Definitely!
M: Can you tell me why?
“why do women always take sooo long to put their makeup on?” because makeup is war paint for Being In Public, clearly
Frozen (2013) A young girl spends years in solitude & must plan her parent’s funeral alone because her sister is secretly one of the X-Men
I put my pants on just like the rest of you, when the popo tells me to.
I got new glasses with anti-glare lenses but I’m looking at my wife right now and, boy, they clearly do not work
Whenever I order room service and the person tells me how long until the food arrives, I whisper, “If I’m alive by then,” and hang up.
If you had a choice between owning a dragon or world peace, what would you name your dragon?
For this recipe gently massage the bird like you’re thinking of ending things but want to stay friends.
ME: The enmity we feel toward someone with our name who spells it differently is just silly.
ALLISON: I agr-
ME: WHO ASKED YOU TWO L’s?!
Not a single parenting book prepared me for questions like, “Did oranges get their name from the color or did the color get its name from oranges?”
Penguins are always dressed in formalwear because they often need to go to court to answer for their terrible crimes
Some of you are boycotting sex the same way are you are boycotting owning a Maserati.
Nothing kept my grandmother from her health and fitness regimen. Every morning, rain or shine, that woman walked five miles each way to the liquor store.
WIFE: Stop spending all our money
ME: Okay, fine
[later]
WIFE: *visibly angry* WTF?
ME: *zooming by on a new Segway* RELAX KAREN, I STOLE IT
[runs into old friend]
FRIEND: How are the kids?
ME: Good. Both out of the house now.
FRIEND: You feeling “empty nest syndrome?”
ME: What’s that?
FRIEND: Sad and lonely because they’re gone.
ME: *snort laughs*
Goodnight moon
Goodnight room
Goodnight wifi connected devices
Goodnight CIA
INTERVIEWER: what accomplishments are you most proud of?
ME: lemme stop you right there, you seem to be operating under the assumption that i’ve had accomplishments
me: hmm…that’s a real head-scratcher…I don’t know there are significant pros and cons to each choice…maybe I should make a spreadsheet and do a cost analysis…
netflix, impatiently: dude, just pick something already
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
Schrödinger: you see, there’s no way of knowing if the cat is alive or dead
Box: *violently shakes and hisses*
Schrödinger: … it’s a paradox
Box: *screeches threateningly*
Sometimes I feel driving over Beliebers, but then I’m like, “what is wrong with me??” because I just got my car washed.
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath