Hannibal Lecter didn’t have to be a serial killer, he was scary enough as a foodie.
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You can’t make everyone happy.
You’re not cheese.
ME: So how fast are you at making suits?
TAYLOR SWIFT: …
People will never forget you, if you push them down the stairs.
Let’s get married & have kids so instead of trying a pumpkin beer you can stop the crying while I go back into the corn maze to find the shoe.
I’m going spiraling, do you need anything?
Men go to bars for 2 reasons:
1) They don’t have a wife to go home to.
2) They have a wife to go home to.
“Get the Reese’s” I whisper to my kid as he trick-or-treats, knowing full well my wife just quietly told him to go for the Twix.
Stooooppp!!! 😂😂
ALIEN: maybe we can teach this planet the secrets of the universe
*sees me trying to get pringles from the middle of the can*
ALIEN: or not
Ok kids, you get in bed, I’ll get the story book.
All tucked in? Here we go…*opens The Shining
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
My son doesn’t always throw up, but when he does, he’s already in bed.
People who spend their lives complaining how other people are doing nothing productive for society are doing nothing productive for society.
[Hears kids approaching]
Me: Think we can outrun them?
Wife: Them? I just need to outrun YOU.
I told my therapist that I thought I had imposter syndrome, but he said only talented people get that. So that’s a relief.
If only my Fitbit could measure the calories I burn while seething.
You ever not fold your laundry for so long by the time you get around to it, none of the baby clothes fit the baby anymore?
[rescued at sea]
Coastguard: Where are the others?
Me: Had to eat them.
CG: You were out there for 4 hours.
M: They really got on my nerves.
There’s a line in 30 rock where Kenneth mentions that the mayor of his hometown is a female horse and I just today realized a female horse is called a mare. She’s the mare of the town.
The Burger King can legally officiate a wedding, but only if the rings are onion rings
HIM: What are you doing?
ME: Hiding some more money in the couch. Can’t trust the banks you know.
HIM: How much is in there?
ME: $5.40
He who fights with lobsters must take care not to become a lobster. For when you gaze long into the bisque, the bisque also gazes into you.
My Diaper Genie grants wishes, as long as you wish for a 40 pound bag of baby shit every week.
One time I smashed my face into a keyboard and accidentally wrote the fifth Twilight book.
My sister teaches 1st grade. A boy in her class had a tantrum and screamed “I hate you!” and she gently replied “I know. It doesn’t matter.”
My girlfriend wants me to stain the new wooden fence in her backyard. So I’m going to eat spaghetti over it for a few weeks
Naming that space movie Gravity makes about as much sense as naming Jurassic Park something like There’s No Dinosaurs In This.
I hate when people ask me if I’m all ready for Christmas. No Susan. I’m not even ready for today.
That thing where I write “I” when it should be “me” because I’m not sure but I think “I” is always the smarter sounding option but it’s just flat out wrong in this situation and now I’ve exposed my stupidity to smarter people than I.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me