When I tell people I used to have a time machine a lot of them ask why I didn’t kill Hitler and I explain that my time machine broke shortly after I murdered Smithsen and when they ask who Smithsen was I always say “you’re welcome”
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Whoever said “out of sight out of mind” never lost a spider in the bedroom.
Husband: Why is your Facebook relationship status “it’s complicated”?
Me: …
“heyyyy you’re on speaker” is code for “please don’t say anything bad about the people i’m with”
I want to be a server at a restaurant that serves fish jelly, just so when people order it, I can say “I don’t think you’re ready.”
[Thor Love and Thunder]
me: *buying tickets for me and 3 friends* FOUR FOR THOR 4 at 4:44 POR FAVOR SEÑOR
cinema guy: please stop doing this
It is completely unreasonable that family members are expecting me to remember things like what the names of their kids are.
Preposterous.
Putting glasses on a Mr. Potato Head and asking if he’s just gonna be a spec tater his whole life.
I spend a lot of time alone
I actually saw someone close the door to the kitchen with a 1cm gap at the bottom in a very confident and misguided attempt to keep the ants out.
FINE, it was me!
“Would you just look at all this bullshit?!” – enthusiastic fertilizer suppliers
I always wonder what the nurses reaction was like after I leave a half eaten sandwich in a coma patients hand.
I don’t know who started the malicious rumour I’m mostly mole but I’m going to keep digging.
“I have a coupon for a large 2 topping”
“What toppings?”
“Pepperoni & a small cheese pizza”
“Sir you can’t top a pizza with a smaller pizza”
This day in history. 1973. Pablo Picasso died leaving behind his wife, 4 children, and a dog with piano key teeth and a halibut for a tail.
‘You probably need to pee soon, huh?’
~The monster under my bed
Her: did you give the dog alcohol?
Me: no, why? Is he acting weird
Dog: *texting* yo how come nothing ever happened between us? :/
Cop: Is that a turtle?
Me: …
Cop: Painted blue?
Me: …
Cop: With nails glued on?
Me: …
Cop: Mario Kart’s not real
Me: YOURE NOT REAL
The only person who might be able to conclusively prove I’m not Batman is Batman. And until he does, the jury is out.
michael jordan’s parents really named him after a shoe
I cannot stop laughing at this
Second grade gossip is so great, like how else am I going to learn that Greyson didn’t want to do the computer because it only had “books and shit” on it
Bond sequel idea: His license to kill is downgraded to a license to hit people with his car but not so badly that they die
The most stressful part of my day is when my 5 year old shows me what he made in Arts & Crafts and I have to guess what it is.
angel: they seem to be doing well
God: give them more diseases
angel: is that really necess-
God: and social anxiety and kill a gorilla
The 2024 federal budget promises billions of dollars in new spending. Aw, that’s so sweet, they’re gonna do a single grocery run for us!
It’s important to set an alarm the first day of school, so you remember to pick up the kids
I accidentally swallowed a Christmas ornament and now I have tinselitis.
*puts on pickle costume*
*gets stuck in pickle costume*
*calls friend*
Could you please help me?
I’ve gotten my myself into a pickle.
me, several minutes after lying about being able to fly a hot air balloon: im just gonna go this way
Every time I look into baby carriages, there’s always an INFANT inside and never a very small, old-timey gangster smoking a cigar.
Disappointing.
most librarians are not supportive of me practicing mime despite 𝘤𝘭𝘦𝘢𝘳𝘭𝘺 adhering to the volume guidelines