My six year old lost a tooth. I left a note instead of money “too dirty.” He has been brushing that one tooth all day. Lesson unlearned
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You’re officially old when the lady who cuts your hair starts asking you if you would like her to trim your eyebrows and ears
…yes please
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
*dumps more fleas on my head*
*sits back down in front of chimpanzee*
So, anyway, like I was saying…
i love hoodies man.
am i skinny ? am i fat ? nobody knows
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he roared his engine louder!”
-nobody ever
Hello darkness, my old friend. It’s time to eat all the carbs again
It’s amazing how soft hotel towels become after you wash them at home.
Godzilla vs. A Floor Scattered With Legos
Pete Davidson probably just knows how to load the dishwasher properly
15: I’m starving! There’s nothing to eat. What are you having for lunch?
Me: grapes
15: Nice! We have grapes?!
Me: *sips wine* nope
Me, seeing a man proposing to a woman in public: Hey, this guy bothering you?
Scientists discovered the largest prime number yet (23 million digits) when it was given to them as the confirmation number after a customer service call with their internet provider.
got kicked out of the library this morning for starting a mosh pit
Her: It’s disgusting how many dirty habits you have.
Me: THE NUNS PAY ME GOOD MONEY TO DO THIER LAUNDRY OK???
High school prepares you for real life! For example, show choir taught me how to put on eyeliner and lip liner in a car on the freeway
My parents kept me humble by having 6 kids and regularly forgetting my name
Can you write off a divorce as a home improvement expense
It’s pretty shitty people are giving back the highways they adopted now that lockdowns are over.
god: men, do u want pockets?
men: sure
god: u got it dude!
men: thank u!!! ❤️
god: women, do u want pockets?
women: yes!
god: lmao no
women: ????
god: kangaroos, do u want pockets?
kangaroos: yes pls
god: ok done
kangaroos: [already putting their kids in there]
People need to stop with the crime, some of us don’t want to do jury duty because you can’t act right.
Not to brag, but I can unhook a bra using just a bent paper clip, some WD-40, and my reading glasses.
what does he know…
At the state fair I realized none of my troubles matter when you dip them in batter
I WANT NERVOUS CHAIR!!!!!!!!!!!!
[ Mt. Everest camp ]
First climber: hey where’s your buddy?
Second climber: idk he must have gotten up on the wrong side of bed.
[on my deathbed]
me: a….ah…..
wife: what is it!! what are you trying to say?
me: ah…… alexa…… play despacito
Get married and have kids so that you can Google things like “How to teach your kid to not bite”.
Friend: you’ve been acting weird ever since you won that hundred dollars
Me: what ever do you mean, old sport?
Hubby asked me to role play sexy maid but was sold out
*Dressed up like David Spade from Tommy Boy
“HOUSEKEEPING, YOU WANT ME FLUFF PILLOW”