Forgot to turn on the oven. Food’s been in there for 45mins. I know, cause I set the timer.
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Interviewer: what’s your biggest weakness?
Dwayne Johnson: *sweating nervously* certainly not paper that’s for sure
a bunch of people at a school dance waiting to get a drink
that’s it. that’s the punch line
I am ‘yay my plans to go out got cancelled’ years old
Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes
Secretly the cops in Gotham City must be like “Seriously, Batman, if you want to use guns, none of us mind. We’re all cool with it”.
HIM: Did you steal my truth serum?
ME: You bet I did.
If cooking blogs were tweets:
Here’s how to make really easy sugar cookies!
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Get a red wallet that perfectly matches the red interior of your purse and have mini heart attacks every time you go to pay for something.
Praying Mantis wife: Are u cheating on me?
Praying Mantis husband [his missing head replaced by a marble]: What on earth gave u that idea?
Bought one of those SMTWTFS, but I can’t pronounce that so I just call it a pill box.
Broke my New Year’s resolution to exorcise more and now there are poltergeists and demons all over my house.
ME: The cupboard keeps opening
HANDYMAN: I see why
M: Ghosts?
H: …This screw’s loose
M: Right… But where would ghosts get a screwdriver?
#BadThingsToDoOnAPlane Talk about your plans to build explosive devices
Peeing in the dark like some kind of pilgrim because you’re at someone else’s house and can’t find the light switch
Everyday I walk to work by a Ferrari dealership, put my nose against the etched glass window and say, “someday I’ll own a window this nice.”
The coolest thing about the last Hobbit movie was knowing it was the last Hobbit movie.
Cooking/baking shows need a normal guy in the corner for context
Everything else would seem a lot more impressive if you could also see me accidentally setting fire to myself again in the background
Cop: Do you have any drugs in the car?
Me: Nope, payday isn’t until Thursday.
I don’t give my children “chores”. I give them “missions” and that change in the name has made my whole life easier.
Date: I like to take things slow
Me: *puts stolen turtle on table* Hey, so do I
Since the day he was born, I always expected my kid to grow up to be smarter, funnier, and more successful than me.
I just didn’t expect him to do this by age 6.
So i said to Arnie “Where did you get those toilet rolls??”
He said “Aisle B, Back.”
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
Calling someone unconventionally attractive is so funny like yeah you’re kind of busted but I can bravely see the beauty in you due to my Open Mind
You think if I tell my dad “30 is the new 20” he’ll start paying all my bills for me again like he did 10 years ago?
LEGOLAS: You have my bow.
GIMLI: And my ax.
[Everyone looks at me, closely guarding my sandwich]
ME: You can have a SMALL bite.
In line at Target when the woman behind be says to her kid “If you don’t stop fussing I’m gonna make you spend christmas with this man” and then points at me causing him to cry harder
In 5th grade I had to do a report on Ben Franklin and my parents interpreted it as me liking him so my 11th birthday was Ben Franklin themed
34 year old male arrested for having sex with a clock in the middle of a Target®. now he’s doing time for doing time