Me, walking into my mom’s house
16 & 4 of his friends: *sitting in living room eating cookies with my mom*
One of his friends: May I have another cookie, ma’am?
Mom: *beaming* This is grandma’s house, honey. You may have as many cookies as you want
All 4 teen boys: *grin*
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Genie: There are just three rules
– no wishing for more wishes
– no falling in love
– no bringing someone back to lifeMe: I wish toe jam tasted like strawberry jam.
Genie: There are four rules…
early man: made primitive tools from stone
late man: tries to sneak in without his boss noticing
every time i take my teen to a flea market she buys a weapon, so i now know which room i’ll be running to in a home invasion
Every time I buy a fun new mug my mother yells “We have too many mugs!” & I yell “You suck the joy out of everything!” & she yells “Don’t say ‘suck’!” & I yell “I’m a grown woman!” & she yells “Then are you finally moving out of my house”
I hate when my camera rings, in the middle of a selfie.
Son: Dad, is cousin Billy a mosquito?
Me: In Alabama?
S: Yeah.
M: Of course not. Why do you ask?
S: Mom said he was the product of insects.
I received some boob pics. Some of you men really have nice boobs.
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
The children were nestled
all snug in their beds
until they had to pee
get a drink
show me they can whistle
and ask me if birds have teeth.
Customer: Do you guys have wings?
Me, working in a food truck: just the wheels.
Mormon cats have 9 wives.
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a mirror, asking to be possessed by a poltergeist that loves to clean and fold laundry.
Me: *taps one-night-stand on forehead* Unfollowed.
One-Night-Stand: It doesn’t work like that…
Me: *taps him on forehead again* Blocked.
if your newborn baby has a full head of hair that means it is a business baby and is ready to enter the world of finance
me writing at 3am: holy shit….. this is so good when did i become this talented
me reading what i wrote the next day: he roled he’s eye
[speed dating, today]
him: hi I’m Steve, nice to meet you!
*her, sat like 12ft away*: what?
Steve: what?
Sometimes I wonder if the ghost in my house thinks he’s being haunted by some angry, naked, drunk guy.
Watching cooking shows makes you realize how much forehead sweat is possibly in your food
“Mind control agents in chem trails sounds crazy? That’s EXACTLY what the govt wants”
Bride: I shouldn’t have let you write your own vows
Mom
She gave me life
She gave me love
She gave me sarcasm
She gave me the ability to
cut brake lines so that it
looks like an accident.
me: hey there delilah what’s it like in new york city
delilah: real estate prices have skyrocketed making it impossible for people to find housing and forcing them to commute from further away, adding stress and expense to their already overburdened lives
me: ..you’re so pretty
“you’re too pretty to be so sad.”
aww well you’re too cognitive to be so ignorant, but here we are.
very few whales can do a kickflip but also very few skateboarders could eat 40 million krill in one day, everyone has their strengths and weaknesses
Doctor: So what brings you in today?
Me: Stay with me here…I’m pretty sure there is a bus full of elementary age children flying around my small intestine.
me: [looking at basketball rim] do you think I can still dunk?
wife: give me back the baby
Anakin went out for a pack of Siths and didn’t come back until his daughter was a big shot politician and his son was halfway through Jedi College
earlier this year a random number i don’t recognize started sending me pictures of toads
And now for my next trick, I’ll turn your root canal into a ski vacation
Me: what?
My dentist: what?
Oh boy, it’s that time of election year when all the politicians start wearing jeans to get down on the level with us regular folk. You’re gonna need to wear a kilt and the blood of my enemies if you want my vote this year, Brad.
An agenda reveal party, where I surprise everyone with all the things I hope to accomplish this weekend.