Someone added the GameCube intro to my unemployment graph & it’s significantly better now.
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Whoever keeps replacing soccer balls with cats is my personal hero
I’m married, so I recorded the last time I had sex 4 years ago, I’ll open the windows at 3 am and play it to impress the neighbors.
humans: lets invent computers so they can do work for us and we can be free to see our families or write poems or whatever
also humans: actually if you dont have a job society will murder you it turns out
If I hold my phone upside down it looks like you have replied to my text and I’m ignoring you.
I followed a guy because of one cleverly written tweet, but everything since then has been drivel. Now I know how people who follow me feel.
Imagine the effort it took this dolphin to propose, then the woman he loves does this in front of him? Just awful.
my neighbor: can you keep an eye out for our dog? he ran away
me: oh no, when’s the last time you saw him? did he leave a note
neighbor: early this morn- did you ask if he left a note?
A lot of people don’t know this but if you pull the stick out of a corndog, it’ll explode like a grenade
My 9th grade boyfriend texted me to let me know there is someone in Denver using my identity on Bumble but couldn’t give me much info because he didn’t swipe right. Trying to process which part of this is more upsetting.
I like to play this game called “How busy I can I pretend to look when my boss walks by my desk.”
I have accidentally eaten the lil paper flag on the Hershey’s kiss more times than I’m comfortable with this holiday season
will i understand 28 days later if i haven’t first seen 28 days
People don’t make your heart skip a beat. Medical conditions do. Idiots.
THE AUDACITY. 😤
the world’s most popular steaming services
A Riddler origin movie would be like 10 min long bc he’d only have to tell one riddle before getting beaten up and becoming a villain
Embarrassed that our 8 year old walked into the bedroom at 2am and saw us pulling the blanket to hide our phones and cheese sticks.
Passenger: Do you mind if I take a picture out the window?
Pilot: Of course, you utter dipshit.
Cute animal videos may be turning me vegetarian. Off the menu so far: donkeys, sugar gliders, and bumblebees born without wings.
If my next of kin takes a nap..
Can i call him Napkin?
INTERVIEWER: u put “whiskey” as a reference?
ME: ope i thought it said preference
Me: Dishwasher’s broken.
16: I’m sorry.
Me: Did you break it?
16: No, I meant, like, “I’m sorry for your loss.”
All I’m saying is if you wake up in the middle of the night to pee and see that it’s only 11:30pm, you might be getting old.
If you play a Microsoft CD backwards, you hear satanic messages. That’s nothing, because if you play it forwards, it installs Windows
It’s okay if you didn’t notice that I switched my beard trimmer’s setting from 6 to 5. The difference is stubble.
Announcer: Has bath time gotten boring? Try Bathtub Weasel! Simply peel open the package and drop the angry weasel into the water!
Bathing woman: It’s so easy! *Splash!* *Horrified screaming*
Announcer: That’s Bathtub Weasel, from the makers of Baby Monitor Lizard! Order now!
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
It shakes the bottle vigorously or else it gets the pre-ketchup.
Own pets. That way no one will ever know who made that terrible smell