My nudes are like fruitcake. Nobody likes them but I send them anyway.
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I used to think that ‘Gun point’ and ‘Knife point’ were real places. I’d see or hear media reports about things like; ‘man robbed at knife point’ and think ‘ooh, never want to go there, too much crime.’
I failed my audition as Romeo through a misunderstanding over a stage direction. My copy of the script said: ‘Enter Juliet from the rear’
Parenting is a delicate balancing act where you need to teach your kids numbers but not well enough that they’re able to tell the time when you send them to bed early
My coffee maker broke so I’m using my backup coffee maker and searching Amazon for a backup coffee maker for my backup coffee maker because what if my backup coffee maker breaks?
next time i open up to someone is during surgery
interviewer: why do u want this job
me: i’m passionate about being able to pay my rent
I thought my pores were finally getting smaller, but it turns out my eyes were just getting worse.
INMATE: “What are you in for?”
ME: “A real treat, I hope.”
It’s frankly disgusting that it’s illegal to be an accessory/accomplice. It should never be a crime to be supportive of a friend
I needed to get a shipment of
almonds to the airport quickly.It was so weird to call Uber and
ask if they could drive me nuts.
Having never seen the ocean, visited a lake, or gone anywhere near the river, he could honestly say that he’d lived his life without egret.
I no longer dislike Mondays, i’m mature now… I dislike the whole week.
*brings cake to bed for an after sex treat*
Me: want a piece?
Her: wrong, whole.
I’m developing an app that makes a cricket sound effect at the end of my coworkers’ stories.
Autocorrect changed fries to friend and I think I’ve offered to eat my friend. I’m not sure if I should clarify, or see where it goes.
Do dogs understand elevators or are they just like ok it’s time to get into the world changer
Every work meeting this week
“Voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop voop.”
-corduroys
seems the leprechauns have supply chain issues just like everybody else
I was passing by, and I saw this guy in the bush shouting “Help, snake help”
I just laughed because I knew the snake wasn’t going to help him “
No one:
Absolutely no one:
My 5yo: I wanna know how people break out of jail.
I confused the words “tinker” and “tinkle” and my neighbor no longer wants help with her computer.
Take them to a sporting event on your first date. You don’t want to waste time dating someone who claps like an idiot.
i like my men the same way i like my coffee; steadily getting cooler, as i inevitably forget they’re sitting next to me.
depression: everything is terrible
me: yeah, let’s buy stuff online
anxiety: you can’t afford that
me: okay guys, one at a time
The most important meal of the day is the next one
[New printer]
Align printer *prints page*
Clean printhead *prints page*
Print this test page *prints page*Ink low, replace cartridges
COP: *looking at my license* new jersey?
ME: lol no it’s a cardigan
Your Ex is like spilt milk. If you put newspaper over them its like the mistake never happened.
PARKOUR