Hello Butterball Hotline? My turkey meows when I try to stuff it in the oven. What? Are you sure? Huh. HONEY THAT’S A CAT. TAKE IT OUT.
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*watching someone make a cake*
them: and now add the mascarpone
me: ah yes, the one that hides the horses
Boomers: we don’t share our feelings.
Millennials: we share all of our feelings.
Gen X: feelings?
ME: What would you like to name your new cat?
KID: Dog.
ME: But it’s a cat.
KID: That’s the cat’s problem.
– That Spiderman actor just asked if he could borrow a strand of metal to tie a honey-making insect’s coffee cup to the back of his car.
– Tow bee mug wire?
– No, Tom Holland.
Step 1: achieve tumescence.
Step 2: figure out what tumescence is.
My aunt unfriended me on Facebook so I can guarantee you that I will bring it up and ruin Thanksgiving this year.
[pet store]
me: are the birds expensive?
employee: they’re going cheap
me: I know how they work
13: so I’ll only have this asthma for a little bit?
Me: yes
13: so this is like, Limited Edition Asthma?
Me: ☠️☠️☠️ 😂 SEASONAL it’s seasonal asthma
Me: It doesn’t have a tail, so I’m pretty sure it’s a hamster.
Tech support: *sigh*
Fine. Right click on your hamster…
me: thanks for letting me work from home
boss: *turns off shower* I meant your home
[commercial]
Narrator: These are real people and not actors-Actor watching the commercial: *throws lamp at TV* WE’RE PEOPLE TOO!
Date Tip: If a date is going well, a series of loud hoots will scare off other suitors
When I die, I want to be buried in a random field without a casket or teeth, so I can be an unsolved mystery one day.
What the world needs is a self help movie, cause lets face it, most of us won’t buy the book.
Airport security doesn’t let you through with a wine opener, apparently. Even if you tell them, “It’s okay, I’m just a harmless alcoholic.”
A model train set is the male equivalent of 25 cats.
Just saw two homeless men hitting each other with pieces of cardboard. Pillow fight!!
I never chase a man.
I always go for the ones who are too fat to run.
I don’t want flying cars, I want the ability to start again from my last save point
They don’t touch my pizza after it comes out of the oven?
So, wait. They used to touch my pizza?
Clay shooting is like real life Duck Hunt, right up until you swing your controller around towards the crowd and they’re all like “PUT THE GODDAMN GUN DOWN, Alison!”
I’ve been clicking “remind me later” on this work software update for 2 years when is he going to get the hint that I’m not interested?
Ways in which I’m like a bus:
– Often late
– Breakdown at the worst possible times
– Demand change from other people
– Weird smells
yesterday i took apart an egg timer because the ticking was too loud. i thought when I got it open and saw all the gears id know what to do. this was not the case
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
wife: look our baby can stand up
baby: what’s the deal with airplane food
If I was stranded on a snowy mountaintop with friends and had to resort to cannibalism, the most horrific part would be not having ketchup.
[my 17 witnessing my wife and I kissing]
You guys have been married a long time, haven’t you had enough?