Interviewer: Under skills you put horse whisperer and able to see ghosts
Me: Ask that horse if you don’t believe me
Interviewer: What horse?
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Me: I’m pregnant
Him: OH NO
Me: with emotion
Him: oh, whew
Me: because there’s a baby inside me
Your mom when the street lights been on 6 minutes and you’re not home yet.
It sucks being my parents ugliest kid and also an only child
honestly it just makes me fat free italian when u tell me salad dressings aren’t a good way to describe emotions
PRINCE CHARMING: The glass slipper fits! You’re my true love!
CINDERELLA: worst 👏 dating app 👏 ever
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
It’s -45° and my polar bear won’t start.
No thanks, cosmetics lady. I’m years past ‘bare & natural’. Save us both some time & show me the stuff you’d need to prep & refinish a wall.
Someone once told me that women are like books, and they were right: they have names and spines, and there’s some in the library.
I’m going to start using Twitter like Google, because I need answers to tough questions.
Are pepperoni and Rice-a-Roni related?
Doctor: Would you like a local anesthetic?
Me: No, I’d prefer one from out of town.
🙅🏻
My wife asked me to put ketchup on the shopping list.
Now I can’t read anything.
Took away all my son’s electronic privileges, and now he’s so bored he’s given me 35 hugs.
May take them away tomorrow too.
7 wants to pull all her hair out and plant miniature trees instead
I’m at a stage in life where I still want to be sexy but
WHY DO YOU KEEP WIPING YOUR BOOGERS ON MOMMY?!!
A few years back a guy in law school asked me how much for a foot massage and being the idiot I am, thought he was asking how much I paid for reflexology so I said “I pay $50 plus a tip but my guy is booked for the next 3 months” and he didn’t talk to me again until 2L year
Before meeting a hot chick, wish I could talk to the dude who’s sick of her bullshit.
I filled my brother’s shampoo bottle with olive oil and glitter last night. Have a great day in court, counselor!
Please don’t tell me about your childhood problems, this was my moms cars air conditioning growing up
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Cops don’t like it when you ask them “Need some help?” especially when you’re wearing a Batman costume.
You can lead a horse to water You can leave your horse behind. Cuz your horse don’t dance n if he don’t dance then he ain’t no horse of mine
My mom always put safety first. She used to warn me about running with scissors as we rode in her convertible with no seatbelts going 80 mph on the highway after she had a few beers.
What’s it called when you’re anxious enough to be a Helicopter Mom, but really, really lazy? A Blimp Mom? Yeah, I’m that.
Beats by Dre is such a huge success that I think he should start a sunglasses line.
50 Shades of Dre.
[tries a new move during sex to keep things interested]
wife: did you just dab
[Day at the beach]
*Puts suits on kids, slathers them with sunscreen, makes sandwiches, packs cooler, packs beach bags, lugs 50 lbs or crap to beach, trudges over sand, lays out blanket, puts up umbrella, sets up beach chairs, *
6yo after 30 minutes: I wanna go back home
I always sharpen my guest bed of nails before my mother-in-law comes to visit.