me: let’s get some gorilla glue
horse: oh thank god
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Wife: He only hears what he wants to hear…
Therapist: Is this true?
Me: She’s right. Space Jam is the greatest movie of all time.
“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Memes like this are the reason I still use social media.
LOIS: look! up in the sky!
JIMMY: it’s a bird! it’s a plane!
BABY: *opens wide*
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
It is really hard to practice my angry face while eating a donut.
Overheard:
“I think that creepy guy is listening to our conversation.”
My gf thinks I cook our meals cause I love her. Really, it’s cause I’m afraid she might try to poison me.
I was asked to babysit once but it didn’t go very well.
You’re not meant to sit on them.
Your mother has terrible taste in children.
Many many moons ago:
Teacher: Well 75% of you passed math exams and will not have to go to summer school this year
Me from the back: “YEAH BUT WHAT ABOUT THE OTHER 45% OF US”
When a zoo animal dies they always call it “beloved” or a “crowd favorite” like there’s some animal named “Jimmy the zebra everyone hates”
[scene: a smoky Paris bar]
BARTENDER: You feel trapped, mais oui? You hunt the rabbit, but the rabbit, he mocks you. Always you are made to play the fool, in a cycle you cannot escape.
FUDD: *nodding bleakly* I’m suffewing, Henwi.
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
The recipe said “Set the oven to 180 degrees,” so I did, but now I can’t open it because the door faces the wall.
I found eleven dollars in the dryer this morning and spent the rest of my day interviewing investment advisors.
Me: You know when you borrowed my car, you left the seat back. I spent the entire day not able to drive right. I kept wondering if I shrunk or the car grew.
Son: can you just call and wish me good luck on my finals like a normal mom?
I don’t get why someone would want the house in a divorce.
“your honor, I’d like to keep the building where my soul was sucked dry.”
I had 13 items in the 12 items or less line, so I just put a banana in my pocket.
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
I have a Brown Paper Belt in Origami
I’m not a good fit for the traditional job market because my greatest strengths are challenging authority, being self-righteous, and wanting to go home
[PRESS CONFERENCE]
Me: I’m going on the record. Yes, I’d go back in time to kill a baby
Reporter: you mean Baby Hitler?
Me: sure, whoever
Before sending a tweet l always test it on my wife first. If she rolls her eyes and leaves the room, l know it has potential.
WHY DOES THIS DENTAL FLOSS REFUSE TO LET ME TOSS IT INTO THE BATHROOM TRASH CAN?
Hitler ruined the Charlie Chaplin mustache for everyone.
If your going to insult me at least make me Google it
Eggs Benedict implies the exsistence of Eggs Cumberbatch
Me, checking my to-do list before I had kids