Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
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Extra virgin olive oil is just olive oil who got dating advice from me.
boss: why did you cross out “world” on my “world’s best boss” mug
me: have you met every boss in the world
boss: no bu—
me: just seems like a lofty claim
boss: {gesturing at my “universe’s awesomest employee” shirt}
me:
boss:
me: this one’s true tho
Boss: Any final questions for our applicant?
Sphinx: *eyes blazing like searchlights* Three sons have I and-
Boss: WORK-related questions
Pony: “I love hay so much I-”
Dad: “Why don’t you marry it, ya big nerd?”
*pony grows up*
*becomes Horse Emperor*
*legalizes hay marriage*
My doctor won’t go away. I know what you’re thinking but he has been eating small pieces of apple over many decades to build up an immunity.
the first person to see a peacock spread his tail probably had a heart attack
[ first day of engineer school ]
teacher: and what don’t we call them
me: choo choos
teacher: [nodding] choo choos
I used to think my mother in law liked me but then she bought our 11 year old a learn to play harmonica kit for his birthday
IDEA: an app that tells you where that bruise came from.
Me: *leaving flowers* We miss you Auntie Anne
Cashier: Sir, this is a pretzel stand
Me: I know but her actual grave is like, really far away
❤Missed connection❤
You were the street magician who pointed at me and asked me to shout out the name of a card
I was the guy in the red shirt who panicked and shouted out “PIKACHU” whilst you rolled your eyes
husband: when is [5]’s birthday
me: same as your mom’s
husband: *blank stare*
i took my metal detector to the beach and found a huge slayer concert
{first day as a dermatologist}
DOCTOR: what brings you in today?
PATIENT: psoriasis.
DOCTOR: hey if your peepers are hurting you should prolly see an optometrist, fella.
[alternate universe]
teacher: and that’s how you do your taxes
student: thank you. what a useful skill i have learned here today
Protip: Never take a screenshot with the camera sound on in the restroom at work. You will get strange looks as you exit the stall…
Obviously the Asian gentleman I saw flush the urinal with a karate kick doesn’t mind perpetuating stereotypes.
When my kids wanted candy conversation hearts, my husband explained that they’re seasonal, and my 7yo said, “well the government could force stores to sell them.”
Your move, government.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
him: omg i love these *leans in* Alexa, what day is it?
still him: oh dude, that’s my bong
a band called LinkedIn Park that’s just a bunch of accountants having a midlife crisis
It’s so rude how nobody has fallen madly in love with me today
For the ones in the back.
If it’s dark enough in the club, you can get away with using Monopoly money for a surprising amount of time before being thrown out.
Yes I carry a briefcase chained to my wrist in the airport. No one is stealing my travel cheese.
[raises hand in English class]
Why do we need to be learned English?
“Hmm.. Couldn’t have worded that better myself, Luke”
To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
REP: we are pleased to provide u with the highest level of customer service!
ME: oh sorry, got the wrong number. was tryin to call comcast
If you’re in an old house & the basement door opens for no reason, go into that basement.
Him: Did you wash your hands?
Child (10): No, he didn’t.
Child (8): YOU DON’T KNOW MY LIFE!