I was the only one who would bake with my grandmother. When she died she left her best recipe to everyone except she deliberately left out a crucial step as payback. That’s the level of petty I aspire to.
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“Plane” kicks off a series of movies named by little boys pointing at things. Watch out for “Truck” in 2024 and “Doggie” in 2025.
HER: men are so creepy
ME(from inside the walls): define creepy
Me: Well…my zipper broke.
HR: You still have to wear pants.
Me: *in my underwear*
Honestly I don’t see what the issue is.
*crosses legs*
*3 running a brush through my hair*
3: I’m making your hair pretty
Me: Thank you
3: instead of so ugly
Me:
I’m not saying it is your fault, I said I’m blaming you.
Me: I’ll cook
Fire department arriving 7mins later: Jesus Christ, again?
*middle of the gang rumble
Me: Time out, TIME OUT! My mom’s calling, everyone be quiet for a second
Had to stop at Walmart for golf balls. Of course they’re all the way in the back. And it occurred to me as I was going to get them that I was walking further than I can hit the damn things.
No one rushes to view your WhatsApp status like people who have their read receipt off.
My favourite part of the Bible is the hollowed-out section I keep my drugs in.
Me, performing surgery:[stops midway and sticks both of my hands out to see which one is L-shaped for “left” ]
What base is it when you’re flirting with a woman and she asks, “Are you all right?”
Him: This is not what I had in mind when I suggested role play
Me: [in Boba Fett helmet] Shut up and put Captain Solo in the cargo hold
I stopped wearing skinny jeans when I turned 30. In hindsight, I should have replaced them with something else. I got arrested a lot that year.
Just punched myself in the face trying to swat away a mosquito. Think I’m officially done with summer. Proceed with the pumpkin spice shit.
ME: we should do this agai-
DATE: im busy that day
Apparently when a trainer asks you why you want to stay in shape and you answer “revenge” it will raise a couple eyebrows.
Me: GIMME FUEL GIMME FIRE GIMME THAT WHICH I DESIRE
Barista: Once again, I’m going to need a specific coffee order
Who knew 20yrs after Debate class I’d apply those skills to present arguments to 7yo on why pasta shapes don’t change the taste of pasta.
I have a sixth sense of humor. I laugh at dead people.
When traveling abroad it’s good to learn basic language. “I’d like a beer.” “Where’s the bathroom?” “I need a taxi.” “Just not in my hair.”
Tweet thieves know how to take a joke.
Sometimes I think my crossfit instructor is a truly great guy who is helping us improve ourselves and sometimes I think he’s a sadist who conned us into giving him money to do burpees
@funTweeters Well I made a page for you…IN MY HEART. Thanks so much you guys!
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
*THE BIRTH OF PHILOSOPHY*
THAG: How can CAVE be a thing when CAVE is by definition absence of rock?
THURG: *gnawing dinosaur leg* Haha Thag never find mate.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
*runs away to join the frog and cricket chorus
Laxatives help you live up to your full pooptential.
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon