I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
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As homeschooling draws to a close for the summer I realise my 8yo may not have learned how to do fractions but he also learned very little about anything else
I asked my husband if he liked the song “#1 Crush” and he said it’s garbage, and then I said “yeah, but do you LIKE it?” because he has no clue who sings it and I’m annoying af.
Your car took up two spaces, so I tried to move it over with my key.
🤣🤣🤣😆 Easy assemble?
No offense but why do birds even have feet? Seems greedy.
‘Tell me you want me’ he ordered.
‘I want you’ she said.
‘Now tell me you need me.’
‘I need you’ she sighed.
She hated calling tech support.
I gotta say, I’ve never been in an Uber with red and blue lights!
Also, I don’t remember calling for one…
My oldest chicken is going through henopause
[First day as pig farmer]
Me: *hosing blood off of the plow* something about this doesn’t feel right
Y’know who else threw the bubble-wrap away without popping all the bubbles?
Hitler
Me: The voices are telling me to do things again.
Boss: No shit. That’s my voice. You haven’t done a thing since you got here this morning.
cops: neighbours reported sounds of a struggle
**i begin to weep as I glance at my skinny jeans**
Acid rain is total bullshit. I stood in it for hours and didn’t even hallucinate one time.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
My favorite yoga pose is downward facing in a bowl of mashed potatoes
2022 Jesus turns water into gasoline.
I hate spitting so much. In “Titanic” when Jack and Rose spit at the sea, I was done. They got what they deserved. The sea did what it had to do.
“don’t try this at home,” i say to a troop of cub scouts as i demonstrate how to escort an elderly person across the street while carrying a mongoose & a cat who hate each other’s guts
gently explaining to Cathy that in Canada you don’t open google maps and type “Tim Hortons” you just drive 3 minutes in literally any direction
John Travolta is the only person in history to have ever had chills that were capable of doing math.
Overheard at the hardware store today …
Clerk: This interior house paint dries in 3 to 4 hours.
Customer: How much longer will it take to dry in the dark?
I bought myself flowers at the store because I thought they were pretty.
Husband: Did I do something?
Me: No.
Husband: What’s the date?
Me: April 10th.
Husband: Is that an important date signifying anything?
Me: No.
Husband: Are you sure?
Me: Yes.
Husband, sweating: ok
Me: I’d like to see your music zebras
Piano salesman: Please don’t, I’ve had a long day
I’d rather my son bring home a pregnant girl than head lice
18 years old: let’s eat pizza at 1am and feel amazing
40 years old: I ate a chicken sandwich at 9pm and had heartburn for two days
“Mom, look! Look! Are you watching, Mom?!”
Wait for it! 🤣👏😝
Watch The Walking Dead with someone who’s super into it so every time a zombie appears you can pull the old, “Wait, who’s this now?”
“I’ll see you in hell” should be followed with “and I won’t even stop to say hi”. Otherwise you’re just making plans with someone you hate