My next door neighbor is constantly blaring loud music by a certain white rapper, keeping me awake at night. He’s become my Eminemesis.
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“i’m really more of a dog person.” — werewolf
I already tried new things thanks.
Guys, freedom of speech doesn’t mean you can spell things any way you want to.
Saw one of the most deranged Facebook ads of my life yesterday
The meat served in IKEA’s restaurant is made of people who couldn’t find the way out.
Someone asked me if a co-worker was going to quit without notice. I correctly said notice isn’t required, employment in our state is ‘at-will.’ I was written up for “spreading rumors.” I worked 1 day into the next month to ensure 30 days more benefits and quit without notice.
I always allow adequate time between workouts to fully recover. I’m going on four years now since my last gym session.
These people at the theater are looking at me like they’ve never seen a grown woman hugging a stuffed animal at a scary clown movie before
Me: OMG! Those pics are awful! Why didn’t you use a filter?
Doctor: Ma’am, those are photos from your colonoscopy.
Me: And?
If ex asks you to go bungee jumping remember, cord goes around feet not neck, no matter what they tell you.
Interviewer: says here you’re a sniper
Me [opening gun case]: affirmative
Interviewer: is that a Supersoaker with a Pringles can taped to it
Tequila, because sometimes you and your toilet need to hug it out.
WAITRESS: Let me clear this up for you.
ME: Thanks.
WAITRESS: [to my date] He’s not ready for anything serious right now.
[creation]
GOD: Gather round creatures & I’ll tell you what you’ll eat
ANTEATER: I’m SO excited!
DUNG BEETLE: I got a bad feeling about this
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
[On a date at a restaurant]
So this is nice huh?
“Yea,uh, who’s that?”
*Dad is breathing on the window and writing ‘VIRGIN’ in the steam*
[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 10am]: enjoy
The pinnacle of parenthood is when you switch to Chuao Chocolatier Spicy Maya Dark Chocolate Bars, because you know the kids won’t touch them.
i quit boxing the moment i realized my opponent was allowed to punch me in the face too
gimma back my stick frost man… 😖☃️
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
If my bathroom scale were polite it would start off by telling me what a great personality I have.
[loud knocking]
“OPEN UP. IT’S THE POLICE!”
Me: Prove it.
“HOW?”
Me: Sing “Roxanne.”
i haven’t been able to stop thinking about this for days… what did he mean… what does he know
“Will you stop CHOKING?”
First Aid in my house, apparently.
Ok, Don’t let them know you’re an egg
“Mr Yolk, you are 20 minutes late for this interview”
[drags on cig] I was getting laid by a chick
Can’t wait to watch the complex manoeuvres that will follow taking the first bite of a corn dog in the middle.
Human Resources just came up with a cool new term for just about everything I like to do at work. They call it “inappropriate”
I’m just a girl
standing in front of a pizza
asking it to not have carbs.