Him: I hope I die first.
Her: Aww you can’t live without me?
Him: I don’t wanna deal with the paperwork.
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me: it smells like updog in here
me: what’s updog
me: not much dog what’s up with you lmao
me: lol
therapist: I see
Her: All the men have jackets on. Why didnt you wear the sports jacket I got you?
Me: You bought me a ski jacket
Her: Skiing is a sport!
*forgets Netflix password*
*sends email reset*
*forgets email password*
*sends reset to backup*
20 resets later:
*opens 2nd Netflix account*
t-rex: aaargh I cant feel my legs
Anyone want a free car? Angry bee inside but otherwise, perfect.
The rose petal scene from American Beauty, but just me naked and covered in candy wrappers.
If you vote for yourself, does something blue appear like when you pee in a pool?
waiter: how would you like your steak cooked
me: i’d love it
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Dr: Do you abuse alcohol?
Me: Only when I can’t get the lid off.
Take one positive friend and one negative friend with you on your next road trip. That way when your battery dies, you can hook cables to them and start your car
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Today’s spelling lesson:
On the lam: escaping from policeOn the lamb: escaping from life’s woes with a delightful sheep ride
Thank you hotel for offering me the convenience of making coffee in the bathroom
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
2019 stress ball: ●
2020 stress ball: |
Son: Dad, what does ‘gay’ means?
Father: It means ‘to be happy’.
Son: Are you gay?
Father: No, son. I have a wife.
The scariest part of Psycho is when she gets in the shower and THEN turns it on.
[watching TV]
me: Where are your pants?
toddler: I took them off so I could see better
Therapist: Okay, let’s go over this one more time
Me: This really isn’t helping with my fear of bridges
You know how sometimes girls wear fake glasses because they think it makes them look cute? I’m going to wear a fake monocle so people will think I’m evil
Optimus Prime: AUTOBOTS, ROLL OUT.
Me: *walks downstairs* where the hell is my toaster and microwave?
Party Cat & Scaredy Cat
Guy next to me is doing a crossword puzzle, so I’m about to start dropping some big words in case he wants to ask me for help
mental gymnastics are fine if you can stick the landing
if someone asks you about yourself say “OK, sit down, this is going to be a really long story” then just wander off
Me: You won’t believe the dream I had last night! I slapped you in the face with a hot pizza.
Him:
M: *looks down*
*sees pepperoni all over*
Where’s my employee discount too?
*orders sushi for delivery*
*throws towel over aquarium*
Do👏not👏remove👏the👏exquisite👏painting👏from👏my👏wall👏and👏open👏the👏hidden👏safe👏if👏you👏don’t👏want👏to👏find👏a👏smaller👏version👏of👏the👏same👏painting👏