replaced my gf’s couch with a trampoline and man she hit the roof
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According to this bathroom stall, my ex changed her number again.
6: My favorite kind of melon is Watermelon. What’s your favorite kind of melon?
11: Post Melon
6:
It’s such poor planning that “ninja” doesn’t have a least one silent letter.
Parents: Never talk to strangers!
Also parents: Why don’t you have any friends?
DR: So, you’re 36 years old, 4 foot tall & sound like a woman. How can I help you today, Mr Simpson?
BART: I don’t know where my hair starts
“Better safe than sorry,” I say, as I key my phone number into the side of his car
‘That one hates me – I’ll lay on him.’
~cats
If you scream at the library, everyone gives you funny looks.
If you scream on an airplane, everyone joins in.
I just pulled two buckets that were stuck together apart by myself, so someone might want to let the guy that recruits Avengers know.
Whenever I see a couple sitting on the same side of a restaurant booth I like to imagine they’re on a double date with ghosts
Spent an hour looking for my coffee cup because one of the kids PUT IT AWAY in the right place.
[first day on a new job]
Me: I’ll admit. I’m a workaholic. I tend to bring my work home with me.
Zoo keeper: Put down the penguin.
FUN PRANK:
Bump into Kanye in public, pretend you don’t recognize him, and say
“EXCUSE ME ORDINARY CITIZEN”
Then watch how mad he gets.
DOCTOR: Don’t be embarrassed. Taking trousers off is normal for a prostate exam.
ME: Err yeah I guess. Should I take mine off too?
Seriously though, how do Gremlins know when it’s after midnight?
The point of your 20s
I just said, “Have a good nice!” to a drive-thru attendant, so real quick everybody start saying that so I don’t feel stupid, thanks
Wanna hear a construction joke?
I’m working on it.
Thrilled I bought a 55″ screen so I can listen to it while I stare at a 4″ screen.
First time at a chinese supermarket. Staff: “What u want?” Me: “What’s dead?”
proctologist: [removing three nerf darts] do I have to ask
me: no you can have them
Take my advice, I’m not using it.
Trying to train my kids to leave 15 minutes early whenever I have to drive them somewhere. Not because I want them to be early, but because I want Starbucks.
My 4 year old spilled water on his bathing suit, so he can’t go in the pool until he changes and this is why vodka is a thing.
me: can you calm down
The Leg Bounce™: I literally cannot
My uncle Terry told me not to worry, that love would find a way, but on the other hand he once took a shit in a hammock
my favorite hobby is reading a book by a fireplace in a cabin in the woods. in other words, my favorite hobby is being threatening to trees
I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion and also I don’t think my accident resulted in a concussion.
He leans in, looks into my eyes, and lowers the lights. I go in for the kiss.
And now I’m being escorted out of the opticians.
[cooking class]
chef: now you just introduce them to the pan
me: ok … um, this is john scallop