Airlines when they need to change your flight: here’s a complimentary napkin
Airlines when you need to change your flight: that’ll be $8700.
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Maybe pandas can eat more foods than bamboo but no one has ever offered them a Twizzler.
me: hey watch out for the poison ivy
friend: *recoiling* you should really think about cleaning out your car
Just learned an important lesson: When texting “wish you were here,” that last e kind of makes it or breaks it.
I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
If you missed any of the most recent presidential debate, you can catch one side of it on any given Facebook friend’s page.
Most guys propose with a diamond but if you’re really smart give her an onion ring that way if she says no you still have a snack.
12yo daughter: *SCREAMS*
Me: WHAT?!12yo: A spider!
Me: It’s just a spider12yo: I don’t want it to bite me!
Me: You’ll never be a super hero w/that attitude
I thought Penelope was pronounced Peen-a-lope until I was in jr high school
Customer: Can someone else serve us?
Me:?
C:I don’t want my children exposed to the sin of your tattoos.
M: Satan wants their tiny souls.
“I will cook for you.” I threatened
Me:Come in. It’s not like I’m a serial killer.
Him:*laughs nervously*
Me: *laughing* u have to murder more than 2 ppl for it to be serial
Catwoman’s full name is Catherine Woman.
5: [bending his own finger backward] THIS HURTS & I DON’T KNOW HOW TO MAKE IT STOP!
Me: [sighs & closes his college savings account]
I get home and change from casual Friday duds into even more comfortable clothes. Now I just look like melted cheese.
The First Step in AAA is admitting your car has a problem.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
Sure I’m stable, but like in the way a flatline is stable
Live everyday as if it’s your first. That way, you can rob a bank and say you didn’t know that was wrong.
*wife sees me grab emergency kit from trunk after getting a flat tire*
calm down brent just call a tow tru*I’m already shooting flare gun*
For Mother’s Day, I told my teens, I’m going to reenact every detail of each of your births.
Pro-tip for you non-anxious folks out there, if you’re gonna shoot someone a “Hey can we talk” message, for the love of God include what you want to talk about
“Jingle-horse” sounds like an insult made by someone who wasn’t very good at crafting insults
Catch feelings? I’d rather catch multiple bricks to the face. A house. Drop a house on me.
what i mean when i say i’m rolling myself a fat one
When I need you, I close my eyes and I’m with you.
Until I hit the guardrail. Then sparks fly and I swerve back onto the road.
“Grandpa, I can’t stop thinking about Santa’s sack.”
Me: Aww, sweetie. Run along now. Grandpa has to put that on the internet.
Calling someone a “tough cookie” is not a compliment, tough cookies are literally the worst cookies
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
4: Let’s play.
Me: Ok.
4: You can be the mommy.
Me: Sure.
4: You’ll have to figure out what all the kids eat.
Me: Nope, I’m out.
[Second day in prison]
ME: *looking up from my signup sheet disappointedly* Guys you know I can’t play quidditch by myself