“If I wanted to see a clown, I would have gone to the circus.”
What I actually said:
“Yes, Claire, you’re makeup looks lovely today!”
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Cop: Admit it! You killed that family
Murderer: You can’t prove anything…
Cop: You know, you’re actually called “Murderer” in this thing
The baby of our family starts school next week. When he was 4 years old in Pre-K he had 6 older siblings in the same school. He is now the last one standing, entering high school. I asked if he was nervous and he said, “It’s taken a decade but I’m finally my own man.”
He’s 14.
Them: If you say more one thing you’re going to die.
Me: And another thing…
That rare moment when you wake up actually feeling ok, then catch a glimpse of yourself in the mirror looking like a kidnapped shed.
A parade of slow walkers meander behind my car as I’m trying to pull out of the parking space.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
Me: Okay, I may have hidden all the turkey bacon in the grocery store to save humanity from this awfulness, so sue me!
Judge: That is literally what is happening here.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Tier 3 meme
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
I called my pet rock Stoney, until one day it flew out the front door and hit a car that ran over my mailbox, now the police call it Evidence.
Practice self-care like werewolves: carry deeply emotional secrets everywhere you go & once a month eat the hearts of all who have wronged you.
A swarm of locusts darkened the blue sky. This was my sign to finally send out my wedding thank you cards.
The slow disappearance in forks from the silverware drawer solidifies my fears of an upcoming arms race with my children.
Cancelling plans is okay. Putting yourself first is okay. Going into the forest and abandoning society is okay. Befriending a pack of wolves and assimilating into their wolf pack is okay. Howling at the moon is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
“Dear Diary, the ugly woman at the bank cut in front of me today.”
Woman: “EXCUSE ME?!”
[whispers]”Dear Diary, I think she can hear me.”
Remember when you were small & all you wanted was a pony but your parents were high on meth & thought the house was already full of ponies?
Me: Yay! No more periods!
Menopause: Wait, here’s a beard.
Podcasters who eat while recording: why do you hate your audience?
[first day as a pilot]
control tower: what are your coordinates
me: I’m by a cloud that looks like a lion
control tower: can you be more specific
me: simba
I feel melancoll, meloncholl, melancholl, meloncholy, you know what, I’m good.
I wonder if tap dancers walk into a room, look at the floor and think, “I’d tap that.”
[2018]
SON: I have the sniffles.
WIFE: Let’s get you to the ER![1986]
ME: I just took half my finger off with the saw!
DAD: Go get the hydrogen peroxide and a stapler.
ME: …
DAD: Grab me a beer on your way.
boss: can you fit me into your schedule
me: schMEdule
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
i wanna be one of those basic girls that’s really good at making shark coochie boards or whatever. you know, these.
My greatest fear is waking up after being buried alive so I’ve decided to be cremated
*wakes up in cremation oven*
January is lasting longer than my marriage
A group of guys with ponytails is called a flock of Steven Seagulls
“Oh damn, that’s my bus!”