baby proofing your house is easy, just lock your doors. There’s no way they could get in unless there were like hundreds of them or somthing
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I’ve found that nowadays most people don’t like holding hands in public.
Especially if you don’t know them.
Have you ever just looked at someone and knew that their cornbread isn’t baked in the middle
Show me where it says it’s illegal for me to screaming “I’m an Aardvark” while running in the middle of the road. That’s what I thought
Venmo is my favorite social media site. I love to see my boy John charge his wife for martinis
[Army Shooting Range]
Officer: Are you locked & loaded?
Soldiers: YES SIR!
Officer: You may fire at will!
Soldier Named Will: WTF?
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
Friend: Are you free this weekend?
Me: That’s not how this works. First you tell me what you had in mind and then I respond with either a “yeah” or a dishonest excuse
We leave the TV on for our dog when we go out. Yesterday my wife left on the Bravo channel and they were showing a marathon of The Real Housewives of New Jersey. He now starts meaningless fights with other dogs in public and has a drinking problem.
Why is such a large part of early childhood education learning what sounds animals make. That’s never going to come up. It’s not even important if they ever meet those animals. I’ve never said “moo” to a cow and have it go “thank you for learning about my culture”
The more I get to know people, the more I realize why Noah only let animals on the boat.
My nephew had his first day of kindergarten yesterday. I told him he gets to go back tomorrow. He said No thank you. I won’t be going back.
I totally baby-proofed my house, but one still got in.
You can flash your library card when you’re walking into Costco. They couldn’t care less.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
After hearing about our 4 y.o.’s brain surgeries, a charismatic woman started praying over her for healing.
The 4 y.o. looked her right in the face and said, “It’s okay, the doctors fixed it.”
It’s been 5 days since the last full moon. If you’re still trapped as a werewolf it’s time to see your doctor or veterinarian.
When Granpa revealed an exit wound scar from WWII it gave me strength to show him the owie owie bruise I suffered closing a faulty pizza box
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 2.
“What do you want for breakfast?”
12: toast and jam.Day 3.
I know! I’ll just surprise her with toast and jam.
12: I don’t like that.
I have the body of a 30yr old
Sofa.
Doctor: Is there a chance you might be pregnant?
Me: If I am, I’ll be giving birth to some batteries.
What do whales do on a date?
Net flicks and krill.
#WhaleDay #RubbishJokes #Puns #DadJokes
It’s October which means it’s basically Halloween which means Thanksgiving is right around the corner which means it’s pretty much Christmas so Happy New Year everyone.
[court]
Defense lawyer: Oh great.
𝘛𝘩𝘢𝘵 judge.
Client: What’s wrong with him?
Lawyer: His name is Thoreau D. Book.
My mom just texted me and yelled at me because she put money in my bank account to buy books and I “spent $100 on country concert tickets even though I don’t listen to country and didn’t buy one book” I bought a book from MCGRAW-HILL. NOT Tim McGraw and Faith Hill tickets.
TREE: [sees christmas tree thru window] who dose he think he is. all dressed up. too good to be outside
ANOTHER TREE: be nice, he is dying
Me: One more peep out of you kids and I’ll turn this car around
Son: *slowly excretes a marshmallow chick*
Me: THAT’S IT
cat: i brought you this dead mouse
me: no thanks
cat: then please accept this barf
me: i will not
cat: am i displeasing you?
me: absolutely
cat: [eyes narrow] good
[watching House of Cards]
where are the cards