You when you started twitter vs. you now.
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got an email from old navy about the steps they’re taking to combat covid-19 so I guess the worst is over, and also tank tops are half price
I’ve developed a rash from my wedding ring, which can only mean my body is rejecting marriage.
[first day as a police sketch artist]
Victim: Why is there a meerkat in the picture?
Me: I used to do this at the zoo
If you’re feeling a little too good about yourself let your child take a pic of you laying on the couch. Tada! You are now Jaba the Hut.
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
I made a mix tape for a girl in the 90’s & she responded by giving me a blank cassette titled “What I Like About You”.
I’ve never seen a person look more like Danny Torrance, Shelly Torrance, and the Overlook Hotel carpet at once.
My coworkers think I’m always busy but I’m really just trying to remember my password.
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Idris Elba should be the next Mr Bean
When people call me a monster I always hope they mean a cute one like Cookie Monster
*11pm*
me: Good night
brain: Good night
*11:05pm*
brain: SCARAMOUCHE, SCARAMOUCHE, WILL YOU DO THE FANDANGO?
If you listen real closely, you can hear my alarm clock laughing as I set it.
Firefighters should carry around water pistols like cops carry guns.
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[board meeting]
“So Mr Parachute do u have a name for your invention?”
“I call it the ‘Makes the Ground Come at You a Bit Slower’.”
“Uh no.”
Her: Treat me mean, do bad things to me!
Me: *changes the WiFi password*
Lmbo
Music takes practice. Before they were Duran Duran they had to Duwalk Duwalk.
[high school reunion]
“Hey aren’t u the kid who used to lie and throw people under the bus all the time?”
No that was Tyler.
what i say: i love you, be back in two minutes
what my dog hears: goodbye forever
*pulls the dryer sheet off my pants*
Ok, weigh me now.
ok children, just to recap today’s lesson, let’s now repeat all the words you are not supposed to say.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
When your whiskey stops people from entering your house.
~ Scotchgard
Lets keep this short tell me what I did right
Dear scientists,
We have enough milks stop milking things and cure cancer
Me: Gotta stock up- snow storm is coming!
Cashier: What a cool mom getting all these awesome snacks for the kids!
Me:..for the kids…yeah
How do you pay an electrician? You wire them the money.