Big Foot rental costumes are surprisingly realistic and terrifying at 4am around the bonfire at the party I wasn’t invited to.
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me: can i buy you a drink?
her: i’m getting married at 5
me: cool so we have 2 hours
My granddaughter is spending the night. Before she fell asleep she kept saying, “I miss my mom. I want my mom.” I said, “We’ll see her tomorrow. Besides, I’m your mom’s mom.” She said, “Well, I’d like to see your daughter.” 😂😂😂
My vehicle’s anti-theft device is standard transmission.
China are probably making all the medals anyway.
Holy shit you guys. Twitter works outside too.
I see from the Before and After pictures that not only did she lose weight using the product, it also gave her a tan, makeup, and a smile.
Friend: “Send me that picture we took last night, we probably look so good!”
The picture:
😂😂
I am only one bad decision away from selling pictures of my feet covered in cookie dough to strangers on the internet.
Bill Withers: Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone.
Twitter: *There is no
my (38F) identical twin daughters (11F) met at summer camp and have unionized
I should’ve never taught my parrot to say the alphabet backwards now he drives drunk all the time the cops can’t do shit it’s a real problem
You know that you’re officially lost when you turn down the car radio and take off your sunglasses.
To answer your question: No, I’ve never been sought after, but I did once confuse a man’s intentions toward my lasagna as being sought after so I married him.
him: will you at least act normal when my folks get here
me: *flipping a pancake and reading it like a tarot card* bad news
It doesn’t matter how old you get, buying snacks for a road trip should always look like an unsupervised 9-year-old was given $100.
me, sober: ugh, i’m never leaving my house again, people are trash.
me, after 3 beers: *on a megaphone* ATTENTION EVERYONE IN MY NEIGHBORHOOD I WOULD LIKE TO PAY YOUR ELECTRICITY BILL THIS MONTH
no actually it’s called an “african-american” eye, bud. and i got it cause someone beat the crap out of me for being too politically correct
[Date]
Me: You’re a scientist?
Him: Yeah
M: You like chemistry?
H:
M: Wanna get in my genes?
H:
M: *slow winks*
H: Are you having a stroke?
[day 8 of quarantine]
me: *hiding under the bed* too much family time
monster under the bed: lmao, why do u think im here
me:
monster under my mom’s bed: sweetie where’d you go? we’re gonna play monopoly again
monster under the bed: please don’t tell her im here
[God naming things with his good friend Brent]
God: Shirts, but for your legs
Brent: Pants
God: Nice. Ok what about the sound of a dog breathing
Brent: Pants
God: You’re killing it today, Brent
i was going to get married, but
my wife refuses to sign the
divorce papers
Me: I have this strange feeling that somebody in this house is possessed by an owl.
Wife: Who?
Me: 😮
Based upon recent baking experience I have concluded that a loaf of bread should cost $75.
BUNNIES: I love hopping!
SNAKE WITH BUNNY EARS ON A POGO STICK: Haha yes, but shouldn’t we get home and check on our delicious babies?
if zombies drank more water their skin would look way healthier than that.
HR: The delivery job is yours.
Me: Great!
HR: Do u have a reliable car?
Me: Yes.
HR: Model?
Me: A little in college. How is that relevant?
I got dumped by my therapist, she said “ she needs to work on her”
*pulls curtain back while wife is in the shower*
me: Are we – stop screaming, it’s just me- are we out of Cheetos?