Paper plates don’t have to go so hard with the marketing. Whimsical floral design? I just need to know microwaveable y/n
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I have many caverns
I have a dream that one day I’ll be able to toss banana peels out of my car and not be judged as a litterer, but as a Mario Kart strategist.
buying dead houseplants to save time
you know when you see people you were friends with as a teen and you’re like “wow they got really old” and then you’re like oh no
me: i’m in love with you
therapist: *buzzes secretary* cancel my 10 o’clock
me: but I’m your 10 o’clock
my physical therapist told me I should be using a foam roller “or a wine bottle, since I know you have one of those at home”
Depressed? Try changing your bedding. Cedar chips are for guinea pigs & may not be right for you
Waiter, “Welcome to red lobster, I’m your seafood expert.”
me- “did you know octopuses have a beak?”
W-“no”
Me- “who’s the expert now?”
My daughter has decided singing happy birthday to her is punishable by death
Maternity confirmed
I’ve tried to be a people person, but people ruin the experience.
The British are coming! Get ready! Oh wait they’re coming by boat. We have like three months
Ratio should be pronounced like Daddio, which sounds like a really cool Rat.
My One A Day multivitamins actually have directions on the bottle – “Take one multivitamin daily.” Hmmm
Apparently I’ve reached the age where Grammy, Emmy and Oscar are merely other residents in the nursing home.
ME: it’s a dream come true i never thought my team would sweep the world series
OTHER STADIUM JANITOR: sooner you pick up the broom the sooner we go home
What’s fun about having kids is being on a Zoom work meeting from home, and your child crawls under your desk, touches your leg, and announces that you need to shave for all to hear
Him: i like you
Me: *wheels in whiteboard* let me break it down for you why that’s a bad idea
Gremlins(1984): a shopkeeper with a creature so powerful it could destroy all human life gives it to a 12yo boy. Many lives are lost.(PG13)
A fun game is to put on an orange vest and direct traffic.
Me: Come on! Just kiss me. I always kiss you and it’s National Kissing Day. Stop being so stingy!!!!
Husband: Stace…leave the dogs alone FFS!
This bartender doesn’t know it yet, but she is probably going to make me 36 hours late for work tomorrow.
I just can’t watch football, there’s too much “penetration in the backfield” for me to not giggle like an immature maniac.
Sometimes I have a life and other times I surf YouTube videos looking for a good fight in the comments section.
Me: *holding my hands out* Time to say grace
McDonald’s cashier: No
Wife: I’m thinking of taking the kids away for the weekend
Me: All of them?
Wife: Yes, both kids
Me: I meant all of the weekends
Wife:…..
[Inventing Canadians]
Angels: *giggling* omg they’re SO nice!
God: Oh yeah? Check this out. *drops hockey puck*
Oh really, your baby’s “strong for his age.” Bring him to the dojo
I feel like I’m not getting the full experience of a gas station bathroom if I don’t cut and dye my hair and change my identity.
True story:
I once went on a date and for some reason started talking about dolphins mating. I never saw her again.
A burrito so good, a Mariachi band is playing outside the bathroom stall at work the next day.