My GF left me because she said I lied about stupid things. I was so upset I ate a car park 🙁
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Me: I need to finish the semester strong
Friend: hey
Me: u right, I should skip class tomorrow
*reading instructions on how to escape killer bees
“Run away, get inside, and turn off lamps so they’re not attracted to the lights.”
This is my action plan for avoiding neighbors, so I’m ready for this.
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
Niece: found these handcuffs in your drawer.
Me: yea I got arrested once
Niece: omg why
Me: for going through my aunt’s drawers.
Sorry for shouting “go go gadget personality” while you were speaking. Please, continue.
Oh and I’d like to thank autocorrect for changing “Thanks for the good info” to “Thanks for the fool info”
Oh, you’re an American? Yeah, right.
Name 5 disastrous foreign policy decisions.
[fake yawns to put my arm around date but it’s so i can pet her dog who is also on the couch]
Steps to survive on a dessert island:
1. check spelling
2. if correct, enjoy
Guy: so what u up to after this?
Me: {remembering my friend said to be mysterious but quirky} probably eat a whole red onion in an alley
I get it, rotisserie chicken.
I hate it when people stare at me too
“My dream is to create something that both dogs and fraternity brothers will enjoy chasing with equal vigor.” — inventor of the frisbee
Sometimes, when I look at an avi, I’m not sure if they’re trying to be sexy or if they’ve just been shot.
“You make your own luck!”
– Lucky People
I don’t like to be too vulnerable on here but I just have to admit I do get upset when people who hate me send me money, the notifications of like “cry some more into this $10, loser” honestly just wreck me. It’s the most effective way to hurt me, can’t believe I’m admitting that
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I feel like the person who named pink eye also named orange juice.
You’re telling me a beagle isn’t half bear half eagle?
Shoutout to all the ‘Hi’s in my message requests. I admire your imagination
*carries 11 bags of groceries and like a whole mattress on one arm and my phone in my free hand*
These food blogs start simple.
‘How to cook rice. Boil. Serve’
But over time…
‘How to crème brûlée baba ganoush with caramel’.
And then come the thinkpieces. “ARE Cats Really iPhones?” “Why Telling People Who Think Cats Are iPhones They’re Wrong Isn’t the Answer”
When I go out in public with my brother; people think he is my boyfriend, which is crazy because we broke up over 12 years ago.
how do I explain to my gen x parents that the news is something you sit down and watch for 30 minutes and not insidious background noise for the entire day
Me: what did you get into??
8: [frantically trying to wash his red colored hands] nothing. I did nothing.
[hiding in pantry from murderer]
[quietly tries to open bag of chips]
In case you needed to hear it:
“Whatever! You’re naked ALL the time!”
-Me, to my staring cats every time I get out of the shower.
God..how many exercise videos do you have to buy before you get some results