ROBOT TEENAGER: I’m grounded?? That’s so unfair! *You’ve* been smoking for years!
ROBOT DAD: How dare y– That is a medical condition!!
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God created women and the devil taught her to smile.
JUDGE: Where’s your lawyer?
ME: I don’t have one.
JUDGE: So are you defending yourself?
ME: Is that an option?
JUDGE: Yes.
ME: Okay *swings at bailiff who ducks and tases me immediately*
In high school I was best known as “Hey what’s your friends name?”
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
Goth karate is easy because you already start off with a black belt.
“What would be your main strength?”
Well, I can communicate with animals…
“Wow, impressive. Any weaknesses?”
They can’t understand me.
If you don’t think Colorado needs a wall then you’ve never met someone from Wyoming
People who can’t tell the difference between whole numbers and decimals are missing the point.
[first day as funeral director]
this is the dress she wants to be buried in
“It’s very pretty but we highly suggest a coffin”
Vegan pizza…. is basically
just the box.
dog: the humans have food all the way up on the counter, that’s illegal
*calls in the SWAT team*
cat, wearing sunglasses and tactical gear: I’ll take it from here boys
applebees is a word that starts off pretty tame but takes a dangerous twist
As a kid playing parent, I never accounted for the 8 hours a week I’d lose taking underwear out of inside out pants while doing laundry.
I once snuck my cat into a grocery store just to show him what a lazy hunter I am.
4 out of 5 dentists agree u should not be going to 5 diferent dentists. it is important to have one dentist who knows ur dental history
I will disappear on you at a party and show up 3 hours later with bruises, no phone and a goat.
Husband: so are we self isolating now?
Me: there’s no ‘we’ in ‘self isolate’, you know where the shed is!
Trust me, I’m a [*checks notes*] doctor.
Wife: Ow, a bee just stung me!
Me: uhoh guess i have to pee on u
Wife: that’s for jellyfish
Me: [unzipping pants] bees don’t sting jellyfish
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
My husband kissed me while I was sleeping before he left for work and I’m not saying I’m not sleeping beauty, but I may have woke up in a panic and elbowed him in the forehead
In retrospect, dressing as a killer whale when I was assigned to assassinate the Pope wasn’t my best idea. I blame Ubisoft, honestly.
My fortune cookie reads “I peed in your fried rice” and it’s hand written…
Me: so you know how people just throw away dog poop?
Her: I already hate where this is going
Me: I’m gonna collect it and sell it as fertilizer. I’m gonna be an—
Her: *softly* no
Me: entre-manure
Her: I’m staying with my sister
Was shocked last week when my son said he’s getting married to a girl in his class.
Yesterday he won a running race agaisnt her and the wedding is probably off now
Being 6 is rough man!
piss me off and I’ll put you on my kid’s school fundraiser mailing lists
Jesus Christ is trending? What the heck did he do THIS time?