*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
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I am the all knowing oracle, you may ask me one question
“How do you pronounce quinoa?”
[it’s just covered in sweat] um can u ask me another
Me: *writhing sexily* So, you hot and bothered yet?
Wife: I’m definitely bothered
People who say having a dog is nothing like having kids have obviously never been to one of my dog’s piano recitals.
At no single point in the Bible does it tell you not to sell drugs
Having a rough day? At least you’re not Courtney Love’s gynecologist.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger. Except bears, bears will kill you.
Drilling a hole is boring, but fastening pieces of metal can be riveting.
In public
4: (loudly) Mummy, I stroked your back hair!
Me: Yes, you stroked THE BACK OF MY HAIR
Weirdos gonna weird.
My mothers nearly 80 and she still doesn’t need glasses. She drinks right out of the bottle!
The wife: what do you want for Christmas, sky is the limit
Me: new boat
The wife: lower sky
Can’t. I’m cleaning my pantry or as I like to call it “Making my back hurt by pointlessly rearranging my food.”
Me irl
You never need to ask if there’s something in my pocket. I’m never happy to see anyone.
Chutes and Ladders except it’s just me pushing you down the steps cause you said you didn’t want any pizza yet you helped yourself anyway
“You know where you are? You’re in the jungle, baby. You gonna DIIIIIIIEEEEEEE!!!! …Only Kidding! Welcome to Red Lobster, party of 2?”
Due to a shortage of coloured paper, I am having to dismantle all my origami animals. I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
*first date*
Her: I’m a bit of a night owl
Me: Surely as most owls are nocturnal then it’s just an owl
H: Well, aren’t you a hoot
Horses kill more people than sharks, which is weird — I didn’t even know horses could live underwater.
Remember: You are like a snowflake. Beautiful. Unique. White. Only here for a short time. People get mad when you sit on their cars.
Of course I can handle constructive criticism
*resents you for the next 50 yrs
The Man-whisperer. My dog at 6am.
Them: The children are our future.
The children: [can’t figure out how the mute button works]
Dr: Your Mom is like regular moms except we lost her in surgery.
Me: Did you just use a joke format to tell me my mom died
Dr: yep
I wonder if racist families have that one liberal uncle who gets drunk at Thanksgiving and goes on about how Obama is DEFINITELY American.
The Genie granted me 1 wish and all I wanted was to be happy.
Now I live with 6 dwarves and work in a mine.