“Fluffy died today”
“Oh my god I’m so sorry, was he a cat or dog?
“He was a boa constrictor”
“Well that made me feel better”
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Employers are right when they say their workplace is like family. They’ll give you endless trauma and then blame you for being mentally ill.
me: okay, thank you!
boss: thank you more!
me, whispering: we can’t do this, you have a family.
boss: what
me: what
*puts on sports bra*
Well, that’s enough exercise for today…
[baking a cake]
Niece: *greasing pan* uncle Jeff, are all cakes made in pans?
Me: *pouring batter* as far as I know
Niece: so technically all cakes are pancakes and we can eat them for breakfast
Me:
Niece:
Me: you’re my favorite
friend: i want a bf
me: i want to hold the reins of 2 equally powerful, beautiful horses who run w/perfectly matched paces & also respect me
robert frost: i took the road less traveled by, and that has made all the difference
boss: you’re six hours late
Strange things: the prequel
Stranger things
2 Stranger 2 Things
Strangest Threengs
Strangfour th4ngs
5tranger Thing5
Stranger Things 6: Tokyo Drift
Years ago, someone discovered that white wine removes red wine stains, and all I can say is that must have been a hell of a party.
Therapist: What do we say when we’re feeling sad?
Me: I need a drank n’ a tranq.
Therapist: No.
Marie Kondo: Ask yourself if it sparks joy?
Me: [looks at daughter’s bedroom and throws the entire room out]
Me to barking dog: You get away from that window. Leave the poor bunny rabbit alone.
Also me: I bought you a bunny squeak toy you can pretend to kill over and over.
Everyone is just looking for that special someone who could do way better but chooses not to for some inexplicable reason.
oprah: who said that shit
meg: im not gonna say
oprah: okay i respect that
oprah: harry who said that shit to you
My boss: If you say “that would make a great band name” one more time I have to fire you.
Me, looking at a box that says “Hand Soap Refill”: It has been a pleasure working with you
your poor choice of wiper speed is stressing me out
I find that honking the horn is an effective way to tell another driver, “You’re not going to believe this but you are driving a car right now”
Me, whispering to myself: When it’s time to party, we will always party hard.
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Stores today are like, thanks for buying this gum, please tip us 20%, apply for our credit card, and round up to save the children. Also fill out this survey.
when you lie on your résumé about your qualifications and then show up day 1
Ok, new plan, I’m gonna marry a Kardashian.
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*
*bounce*
*dabs*~ me, at trampoline place embarrassing my kids
Here is a little money saving tip that I’ve learned: If you spend all of your money on tattoos, then technically, your money will be with you forever.
“You’re tattoos will look bad when you’re older”
So will the rest of me, what’s your point?
Tonight I ate Cheetos for dinner, watched Rugrats, and played Mario Kart…if you’re in to mature women
While assembling new desks at my kids’ school this afternoon another dad gave me unsolicited instructions on how to use an allen wrench. I’m not sure if I should be insulted that he thinks I’m an idiot or flattered that he thinks I can afford real furniture.
[my funeral]
priest: we are all going to miss, uh… *snaps finger* you know.. *glances at my wife*
wife: *turns to my mom*
mom: Greg? I feel like it was something close to Greg.
Talk to me when you have a shirt & tie that didn’t come in the same box.*
*Grave robbers exempt.
When the nurse calls you to come get your kid 30 minutes after you drop her off at school, is about as Monday as it gets.
“My desires are… unconventional.”
“Show me.”
*opens door to a room full of memes*