Taking a risk in my 20s: Skydiving
Taking a risk in my 30s: Throwing out a box of cords
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my dog is like me. you can call her and make all the kissy noises you want , she ain’t coming unless it’s her idea.
[blind date]
HER: I just want to honestly know what’s in a guy’s heart
ME {trying to impress her}: blood
My resume is just a piece of paper that says “Please don’t Google me.”
Some patients are going to die, & you have to learn to accept that. It’s just part of being an extremely bad chiropractor.
I’m not saying my family watches too much tv, but our 5yo just stood up from our family campfire and asked me to pause it.
Electric planes are the future, as soon as someone figures out how to make extension cords long enough
Imagine falling in love with a vampire in your 20s, letting them bite you, and having to live for eternity with the type of guy you liked in your 20s.
STEVE: you misspelled my name
ME: Oh uh it’s a joke
LATER, TO STOVE: I’ll make you another cake when he leaves
Im wearing a chefs coat and a stoned guy thanked me for my service. You are welcome, my brother
BOSS: I set up a Suggestion Box. Please don’t hesitate to-
ME: [staring directly at boss while slowly stuffing cream cheese bagel into box]
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
An empty parking lot
I saw him go by
Quickly locked the doors
You can never be too safe
I bravely got out of the car after the bee flew away
I accidentally stepped on my cat’s tail the other day. You could cut the levels of tension, hurt and mistrust with a knife. I feared for my life. Feline retaliation was nigh. That night she threw up on my bed. Balance was once again achieved.
Is it solipsistic in here or is it just me?
Today the neighbors are blasting country music from the boom box on the back deck. Tomorrow, they’ll be looking for the boom box that used to be on their back deck.
I reply to “Happy New Year” with “not if I have anything to do with it.”
my cat is so stupid this food doesn’t taste like grilled steak at all
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
Don’t bring a knife to a gun fight. Also, no outside food, they are so strict about that.
If you’re gonna invite me to an early-morning zoom meeting then get ready to watch and hear me eat a biscuit with all the ferocity of a raccoon in a dumpster
[Tattoo Parlor]
Me: Hi, I’d like to get a tattoo on my calf.
Calf: *nervous mooing*
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
We are taking care of my friend’s dog for the rest of the month.
She’s been with us about 45 minutes so far. My boyfriend has said “I love you” three times already.
It took at least six months of dating before we said that to each other.
Him: You smell good. What are you wearing?
Me: Just a bit of Ham & Cheese Hot Pocket.
HER: i’m leaving you
ME: is it because i get angry wrong?
HER: yes
ME: *balling toes* this is delightful
Customer care: Your call is important to us, please hold on.
Customer: *completes graduation* *gets a job* *gets married* *gets old* *dies*
Him: I lost my dog today at the company picnic!
Me: You should post something on FaceBook.
Him: My dog isn’t on FaceBook.
Me:
have a nail gun and some boards laying around? show him you love him by adding some attractive wood paneling to his car
If you say something while exhaling smoke it is 10 times more profound.
😗💨