Cop: We found a decapitated body in the bay. Looks like he was attacked by a shark.
Chief: Did you get his name?
Cop: Sharks don’t have names, Chief.
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Don’t worry guys. I’ve got a scented candle and THREE healing crystals. I’ll have Twitter fixed up by noon tomorrow
Thank you for fixing my bends, but why on Earth did you crack my rims?!
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
All parents want is for our kids to go to bed so we can watch a show with bad words in it and eat the hidden snacks.
People that use big words, but not in the right context, are just trying to be ambidextrous.
[wedding]
The devil has been collecting souls for 200,000 years and still hasn’t found his soulmate, but *raises glass* I’m glad you found yours. Congrats Tina and John.
HUSBAND: You dropped your phone, broke a glass, and frightened the dog.
ME: Yeah, but I killed the spider!
My kid is learning about environment and climate change at school, so everytime I yell any instructions, he goes “noise pollution, noise pollution”
Friend: How’d you lose your voice?
Me: By failing at gentle parenting.
My toddler has discovered this new thing that makes her laugh uncontrollably and it’s watching her parents try to swat a fly
Fact: Bernie Sanders won’t release his birth certificate because it proves that when he was born he was already a 74-year-old man
Cop: know how fast you were going?
Me: 30
Cop: faster
Me: 217
Cop: what? no 72
Me: 54
Cop: I already told-
Me: negative 12
Cop: get out
Threads is like Adibas trainers or a Bolex watch
My dog understands four words: his name, food, outside and Antidisestablishmentarianism.
girl im dating buying shampoo: I’ll get this one
me looking for a reason to break up with her: coconut and orchids??
*being mugged*
me: “im warning you, i know karate”
mugger made out of thin, stationary blocks of wood: “oh shit”
Aliens: take me to your leader
Me: Hey babe, is it okay if we have company?
there’s probably a fee though
the one awesome thing about being a dad in this economy is that after I die, I’ll only have to work for a couple more years then I can retire
Thanks for using our drive through. Please park over there and wait 20 minutes and someone will bring out 85% of the stuff you ordered.
He told me I cut my steak like a serial killer, so I whispered “What makes you think this is steak?” While I stroked his thigh with a knife.
I CANT HOLD THEM BACK MUCH LONGER
Women wanted him, men wanted to be him, geese were skeptical
If by retirement plan you mean a swear jar, then yes I do have a retirement plan.
beginning to think I may never inherit a chocolate factory
My Kid: (seeing Wife with a plate of fries) Mommy, can I have some of your fries?
Wife: No. (Points at me who is also having fries) Go ask Daddy
My Kid: Daddy, can I have some of Mommy’s fries
My Brain: Don’t high five your kid right now. Don’t high five your kid right now…
I bought one of those endless magician handkerchiefs and boy, is my proctologist gonna earn his copay tomorrow
They just announced step away from the windows at O’Hare because of a tornado warning and crazy storm, so about 10 people got up and walked towards the windows to take pictures.
You know what celebrity they should get for Dancing With the Stars? That plastic bag from American Beauty.
My life has been so screwed up when there was supposed to be a fork in the road I found a spoon.