I really need to go on the show Survivor. Not for the money or the fame. It’s just the only way I’m ever gonna effectively lose weight.
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where do y’all wanna go tonight? Bars? The club?
“THE BOG OF DESPAIR”
Gary, after the forest of skulls debacle you don’t get to pick anymore
*looks up from phone*
Great, I’m inside of a coffin again.
OMG, you guys, there’s a button on this stove that says “Stop Time”. Should I press it??
Like my wife always says, just because I’ve never seen it before doesn’t mean I didn’t lose it.
BOSS: What’s going on here?
ME: Dave’s mad because he specifically labelled his sandwich in the fridge and I accidentally-
DAVE: Not accidentally, on purpose!!
ME: ugh ok FINE. And I, “on purpose”, slept with his wife
Yes I am 45, male and love cats. Recently I posted a selfie. It could be worse though, right? Hello?
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
[first day as a soldier]
ME: whoa i almost stepped on a land grenadeSARGE: mine
ME: whoa i almost stepped on your land grenade
Johnny Depp’s wife of just over a year Filed for Divorce today…
With NO prenup…She is gonna get soooooo many bracelets.
Current life status – By the time I figure out what nostril is plugged, it jumps to the other side.
“Where’s my money?” – a loan shark
“Where are my friends? – alone shark
bank robber: EVERYBODY BE COOL
me: [exists]
bank robber: WHAT DID I JUST SAY
her: this is the worst date EVER
me: ugh. i told you not to eat the pit
*tree falls in the forest*
*tree pretends to start jogging so it doesn’t look like an idiot*
On the plus side, I don’t think anyone will ever again use the term “staycation.”
The lottery gives you about a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t be going to work tomorrow. Alcohol will give you a 1 in 5. #PowerballFever
devastated to learn that 2020 is just three 2019’s stacked in a trench coat
Cakes!
– the sequel to the cake I had earlier.
I can’t be the only one who hears “see you soon” as a threat.
I’ve been getting some anonymous fortune cookies from an angry American — and I think it’s time to give props for creativity…
jack knew rose for 2 days and died for her. i was with my ex for 3 years and wouldn’t loan him 5 bucks.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Proud of my 9yo, who took 9 whole years to learn where we keep the dish towels.
him: are you going to scarborough fair?
me: yeah.
him: if you see my ex, ask her to make me a shirt and buy me some land?
me: dude, wtf?
Sex with me is like bowling. Lots of drinking and cursing. Sticking your fingers in weird holes. You have to rent shoes.
We had a pleasant conversation about how we hate talking to people and then he said that this is a good reason for us to…
Me: … fall in love?
Him: … stop talking to each other.
If I chase you, it’s most definitely with a chainsaw.
No, Susan, I haven’t just “grown a new beard” – I’ve rewilded my face.
They say time flies when you’re having fun which would explain why I’m stuck in 1998.
Heard a rival dad in the neighborhood was handing out full size candy bars so now every trick-or-treater that comes to my door is getting an entire rotisserie chicken.