Me: you have a bug on your shoulder
Doug: a what?
Me: *clears throat* a boug
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First rule of cleaning while listening to music: the toilet brush is never the microphone….. Never
Apparently, I just ate 39 servings of Tic – Tacs.
Me: *clicks on YouTube video to learn how to do something I’ve never done*
YouTube video: In this 30 minute video-
Me: I can take it from here.
Why doesn’t my new white noise, sound machine have a setting for “biology teacher rambling on about photosynthesis” in an overly warm classroom on a Thursday afternoon?
I’d pay extra for that one.
I don’t get laid on Saturdays. The last two words were unnecessary.
• Birds suddenly appear.
• Every time you are near.
• Long to be close to you.Conclusion: you are a statue
Actually, Frankincense was the name of the doctor who created it. You’re thinking of Frankincense’s monster.
There’s a bounce house at the bail bondsman’s office. There’s curiosity in my mind.
Local Person: That Pizza Hut over there used to be a KFC and Taco Bell.
Me: I love hearing history like this.
*finally gets comfortable with you*
*starts whispering in your ear*
“oooo baby I can recite all my phobias in alpha order”
I like twitter because having one-sided conversations with virtually no feedback reminds me a lot of being a parent.
Artist: I love painting you. Times are tough.
Model: Are you a starving artist?
Artist: Kinda. *continues brushing butter on model*
Dinner time:
*opens fridge & stares
*moves to cabinet & stares
*moves back to fridge & lowers standards
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
me: *hanging back a bit while out with friends*
friends: that guy has followed us to 3 bars.
Working at a cheap mall store as a teen: “You may only carry a small clear bag that will be checked by security daily.”
Working at a bank: “Cool duffle bag!”
Batman: can I have some fettuccine alfredo
Alfred: right away, Bruce-o
Creep yelling from window: “HEY SEXY WHERE YO MAN?”
Me yelling back: “HE DEAD”
Him: “WHAT HAPPENED TO HIM?”
Me: “HE YELLED AT ME”
“Don’t make things all about you for once…”
My mother says hi.
Batman Begins Twerking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
About to check Facebook? Let me save you some time. One of your friends has updated their cover photo to a picture of the beach.
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
My tiny pocket in my jeans is actually to put my annual salary
I told my husband I would hem his pants. I need some help here, hot glue gun or staples?
ME: [movie director] Have you ridden a horse before?
ACTOR: I can pick it up as we go along
ME: We really need you on top the horse
Dad, I think you need to pay the milk man. One of his goons is here
My girlfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate. Now I have two girlfriends.
Savlon antiseptic cream is not, as it turns out, toothpaste.
Just ended another email with, “Let me know if you have any questions,” like I have any idea what’s going on.