We need to take better care of the ocean because terrifying things live down there & if we destroy their home, they are going to come into ours. If you think traffic is bad now, wait until Cthulhu is sitting in the middle of the highway trying to eat a school bus.
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Writing a letter to Santa challenging him to a duel and then just standing next to my chimney with a sword all night on Christmas Eve
therapist: overthinking
me: you mean predicting the future
My dancing style could best be described as “Frantically trying to pet the ghosts of animals only I can see.”
My kid just tried to win an argument with “Because I said so” and I had to break it to him that only parents get to win by saying that.
looking for a buddy to go together on knuckle tats:
[P][E][R][S] [O][N][A][L]
[P][A][N][P] [I][Z][Z][A]
Gen Z have no idea how easily accessible music is. I once had to jump off a bridge and narrowly avoid a moving truck to hear Bon Jovi play their latest song Its My Life
So rude of the public to always be there whenever I go out.
Order food
Hear driver
Get into position
Doorbell
Pause for three seconds
Open and act surprised!
A zendetta is when you launch a blood feud against a killer who murdered your entire family, but remain pretty chill about the whole thing.
[on a date]
him: I just want someone who isn’t obsessed with their phone
me: *slowly slides the 20 ft charger I was about to plug into the restaurant wall back into my purse*
MY DAD (pounding on bathroom door): You’d better not be looking at mortgage rates again
when I was younger and an attractive woman’s gaze lingered, it would be a huge confidence boost – now I’m like shit is my shirt on inside out
If you are going to microwave your steak in a cast iron skillet, make sure you season the skillet by running it through the dishwasher at least 3 times
Whenever someone says they have “a thing” for me, I secretly hope it’s a pony.
People terrible at the sex should take notes from dentists & give out goody bags. It’s like yeah that was all uncomfortable but here’s some goodies so you’ll hit me up again.
I like to mute CNN and imagine they’re arguing about what appetizer, or appetizers, to order at TGIFridays.
let me get this straight… your last 2 wives “accidentally” got their heads chopped off
Bank robber: everyone get down now!
me *starts dancing frantically*
My kid brother used to have a lazy eye and had to wear an eye patch.
My whole body is lazy so I’m wearing my couch.
Apparently when your spouse asks you “what would you like your Secret Santa to get you?”, “laid” isn’t an appropriate answer.
[debate]
ME: i think you’ll find that the point is moat
OPPONENT: i believe you mean the point is moot
ME: [raising my drawbridge] i do not
Him: Will you marry me?
Me: omg what did I do, why don’t you want to have sex with me anymore?
My husband brought home a big box of “12 festive cheeses”. I don’t know if he’s trying to turn me on, but it’s working.
I tried watching Inception with Twitter on. I still don’t know what Juno was doing in their dreams.
Husband: Did you put “Deadly Wives” and “Why Women Kill” on our watchlist?
Me, picking up his socks sitting on the floor next to the laundry basket: Should’ve added “How to Get Away with Murder” as well.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Remember the Scooby Doo episode where they put Scooby down and gave Shaggy the death penalty for ripping the face off an innocent person?
[gettysburg]
Abraham Lincoln: four score and seven years ago-
Me: wtf does that mean
Abraham Lincoln: 87
Me: say 87 then
I heard a landline ring the other day and I legit thought it was a fire alarm
What if your girlfriend had a British accent but not the good one, the Jack the Ripper one
The opposite of isolate is yousoearly. Please don’t block me.