There’s a lot of strange facts in this world if you think about it. For example, some people like when there’s pulp in their orange juice.
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I don’t know if this would be classified as “unethical” but I have filled my neighbour’s eavestroughs with birdseed.
[on unemployment]
WIFE: So what’d you do all day?
[the dog walks by dressed as a spider]
ME: Looked for a job
doc: the bad news is your insurance is terrible
me: what’s the good news
doc: you won’t need it for long
Saving this screenshot for when my grandkids ask me what 2017 was like.
Exercise makes you look and feel better naked?
So does Tequila….
[6 ½ hour car ride]
Me: I’m so sick of sitting I can’t sit anymore.
Also Me: *gets home and immediately sits on couch*
Mugger: “Hand over your card and give me your PIN number!”
Me: “My personal identification number number?”
*he stabs me*
The pitter patter of little feet is one of the most joyful sounds in the world…
…unless it’s 3am…
…and it’s coming from your roof.
I’m so jealous that I did not write this pun!!
me: my fish is very dry
waiter: yes, we had to take him out of the water
me: smart
[working on a car]
me: this isn’t as easy as I thought
boss: get that desk off there
good news and bad news. bad news is the dog pissed on the bed
“we don’t have a dog”
*smiles getting ready to deliver the good news*
My body language is more audible than visual.
*stomach growls
Realizing I’m at the age that ppl say “he started at age ___ and still became a success”
ME, HOLDING A MIC TO MY DOG’S MOUTH: who’s a good boy
DOG: your mom
ME: please take this seriously
Uber driver, “You know, if they had Uber back in my day, I wouldn’t have all these DUIs.”
Me, {opens door} “I’ll just get out right here.”
The Dalai Lama and Gandhi aren’t the same? I thought they were basically Miley Cyrus/Hannah Montana. I feel like people are messing with me.
“but it will confuse children” is the dumbest talking point. everything confuses children, they’re idiots. do you explain other shit in the world or you just tell them giraffes are strange dogs
80% of my day is spent saying “dishwasher” after I hear a kid throw dishes into the sink.
wife: did you pee on the seat
me: maybe a little
bus driver: ok both of you off now
Me: You’re so selfish!
Her: I’m selfless! I spent the last 4 weekends giving back to my community.
Me: Oh Please, that was court-ordered..
NASA Social Media Manager Considers Himself Part Of Team
Me: tushy tushy!
Fencing partner: IT’S PRONOUNCED TOU- *I stab him*
DAUGHTER: im gonna sing without moving my lips
ME: why?
DAUGHTER:
ME: you’re right that was a dumb question. Let’s hear it
The key to doing well at wordle is to think Britishly
On some level I’ve always known that caterpillars drink dewdrops. But I never sat down to think about it while crossing the street before.
Before you die, get your affairs in order so they don’t find out about each other.
Farts are like children. The only ones that I like are my own.
Everyone you meet is going through some kind of struggle, and they also have something to teach you, so do NOT make eye contact.