the best way to avoid people outside stores with clipboards is by carrying your own
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[first day as a soldier]
Army guy: we deploy at 04:00hrs
Me: where we going?
Army guy: to war, soldier
Me [setting alarm for 11am]: ok enjoy
me: start from the beginning? oh, ok. Well, God created the heavens and the earth. And the earth was without form…
Police investigator: no, no, from just before your car got rear-ended
WebMD is too stodgy and clinical, give me EtsyMD where you get your diagnosis embroidered on one of them wooden rings 𝓨𝓸𝓾’𝓻𝓮 𝓭𝔂𝓲𝓷𝓰 𝓹𝓻𝓸𝓫𝓪𝓫𝓵𝔂
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
The best part about diet and exercise plans is the research phase. Which is why I stop there
It’s like you don’t even care that I filled my pockets with mashed potatoes and gravy for you
Who decided to call them “children”, and not ‘snot machines’.
[Testing Cat-Human Translator]
Scientist: Cat, what is your name?
Cat: I AM KANG THE DESTROYER
Owner: It’s not working. His name is Socks.
wife: we should get a pet
me: *nodding* a wolf
wife: are you insane? those are dangerous
me: a large dog
wife: ok thats a good compromis-
me: that hates the moon
uber driver picked me up “dodger stadium? you goin to the game?” i was like “nah” and we both sat there in silence for the whole ride, both knowing i had lied
Fire at the cannabis dispensary. Witnesses described it as super chill.
I read poetry the way it was meant to be read. from a small book while sitting under a tree in my ruffly blue dress, not knowing my handsome suitor is watching
Me: Wow, this one’s super dirty. I’m going to leave it to soak
Wife: That’s our daughter and no you’re not
Welcome to parenthood. Your new hobbies are setting fake timers, trying not to scream, and the occasional shower.
There are 2 types of buyers in me:
1.immediately tracks package I ordered 5 minutes ago
2.turns over package from doorstep WHAT THE HELL DID I ORDER??
I fit into my fat clothes again thank god I didn’t throw them away
I asked my wife why she was pissed at me and she said “YOU KNOW WHY” and now I’m just keeping my mouth shut until I can narrow it down
I don’t go on Facebook much so Dave, if you’re seeing this, thanks for the invite to your 2007 New Year’s party, hope you had fun dude.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Hey bro, nowhere on your cologne bottle does it say “marinate in”
I let my kid stir the pancake batter and now he keeps asking for the whisk-y, going to have a lot of explaining to do at preschool
Sitting on the porch late one night. A fox steals up and settles quietly next to me. Pearl divers don’t hold their breath as long as I do.
*gives up being Catholic for Lent*
God: damn it… they’ve found the loophole
I am having fish and chips for lunch.
*pours Pringles and Goldfish Crackers into the same bowl*
This is a baby horse: it can walk 4 hours after it’s born
This is a baby human: don’t touch its head wrong or you’ll bonk its brain
I just noticed the light fixture in the bathroom is off center, so no, I won’t be renewing my lease.
My parents are always pestering me to have kids. “Who will carry on the ancient family curse?” they say.
From now on, I’m referring to my ex girlfriends as “yesterbae’s.”
I wish I was poplar. No, that’s not a typo. I wish I was a tree.
*gets period*
“So that’s why I’ve been in a mood for the last 24 days.”