Facebook friend: If you can’t handle me at my worst, then you-
SHUT UP, SHANNON. YOU’RE *ALWAYS* AT YOUR WORST.
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I forgot how to panic. Help
Thug: You got the stuff?
Me:*opens briefcase revealing 7 ducklings*
T: The deal was 8
M: I’m just the delivery guy *my hat quacks softly*
I nearly choked on a hard boiled egg and I know in my heart a cinnamon bun would never treat me this way
Seems legit
Christ! How many beers did I have last night?!
2: Mommy!!
Me: Yes?
2: NOOOOOOOOO!
Staying with my parents, pt. 3:
[4 yo is following my dad around]
Her: Whatcha doin?
Dad: Grabbing things for errands
Her: Whatcha doin now?
Him: Going to the garage
Her: Where you goin now?
Him: WHAT ARE YOU THE KGB? YOU GONNA REPORT BACK TO MOTHER RUSSIA?! LEAVEMEALONE
GF taking me on a surprise V-Day getaway. At least I think. Not sure what the lime and shovel in the trunk with me are for though.
I think it’s safe to take the fax numbers off our business cards, now, everybody.
ibopfufen
this morning i found a spider trapped in its own web and i was like, dude, same
The card you sent said “Peace on Earth” but the glitter on my hand says you have made a powerful enemy.
Used to be, bugs knew their place. Spring, summer, fall, but they gave us winter. Today’s bugs are not honorable.
I’m really happy because my pill bottle says, Do not iron while taking this medication.
[son hands me a picture he painted]
Me: what’s this
Son: it’s our house
Me: have you ever actually looked at our house
my anti-aging skincare regime consists of a plan to eventually get bitten by a vampire
big announcement, i’m working on a new horror property
I was thinking about drinking less beer but I knew I couldn’t do it if I always have cold ones ready to go.
It was self a self fridge-filling prophecy
I called in dinner at a restaurant and Husband went to pick it up. These texts ensued:
H, “What name did you put it under?”
Me, “Yours.”
H, “Not a fake name?”
M, “Why would I do that?”
H, “Because your weird like that.”
M, “You’re.”
H, “It’s under you’re?”
Me, “Yes.”
WANTED: Sanity
LAST SEEN: In store, right before I told my 4 year old that he couldn’t get a new toy
REWARD: 4 year old
I can sing all the words to the intro song of DuckTales, what’s your flex?
Architects should try and design a house with no yelling
Walking around the house in my undies again…
Not sure whose house it is, but I’m sure they won’t mind
Friend: u around this weekend
Me: yep
F: to help me move
M: uh one sec *fake hold music* hey yeah, that was my doctor, bad news, I have died
The reason I don’t like costume parties is the bit two hours in when you’re listening to your friend talking about her mum’s dementia and you’re dressed as Mario.
With the proper diet and lack of exercise, you can turn any jeans into skinny jeans.
We complain when it’s hot. We complain when it’s cold. We are such cunts. That’s why ET went home and never came back to visit.
My sons consider “it’s bedtime” my first offer in the negotiation process
how about a movie where an old man teaches a kid karate with the ulterior motive for him to one day win a car waxing contest
genie: u have three wishes, but u can’t make someone love u
me: random rule but ok
genie: seriously don’t even try
me: ok i won’t
genie:
me:
genie: *crying* trust me it doesn’t work