*buys toddler a dinosaur toothbrush*
[cut to me using my new dinosaur toothbrush]
You Might Also Like
She said she wanted the D so I showed her our son’s report card.
Thank you two-step authentication codes that expire after 60 seconds for providing Mission Impossible-type drama into my mundane suburban existence
Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Murder is legal if it happens after a morning person says “WELL WELL WELLLLLL LOOK WHO FINALLY GOT UP”
Friend: Actually I met my partner on Twitter!
Me: I’m so sorry. Here if you need to talk ❤️
Friend: …no? It’s a good thing?
Me: *hand on their shoulder* Sure it is buddy
Me: I’ll have the chicken
Waiter: and how would you like the chicken prepared
Me: I dunno… maybe just tell it about the circle of life and how nothing lives forever
I’d change my name to laundry if it meant you’d think about doing me every day.
[in line for coffee]
Me (in my head): hi I’d like a caramel macchiato please. hi can I get a caramel macchiato? hi, I’d like one-
Barista: NEXT!
Me: Hello, um, I’d like one, uhhh *stumbling* carnival avocado
Me (in my head): god dammit
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
*jingles half the way*
[cop writing me a ticket]
me: cmon can you just give me a warning?
cop: sure *leans in* warning, you’re about to get a ticket
You look busy, I’m just gonna interrupt you anyways
– People who apparently want to go missing
Life is like a box of chocolates. People repeating the same movie quotes over and over until words have no meaning peanut tambourine ocelot
Me: “You kids aren’t getting any more toys until you take care of the ones you have!”
Grandma: “Here are 8,000 new toys just for existing.”
No, YOU just microwaved an oven mitt!
I got mad at a rock today.
I chopped it in half with my lightsaber.
Now there are two rocks.
Send help. Now.
you can’t convince me that “starfish” doesn’t mean “kinda starf”
Menopausal symptoms can be fatal. They almost killed my husband.
You’re never too old to ride inside of a shopping cart…
No matter what the store manager says.
December 1st:
Smoked a cigarDecember 8th:
Finally got the taste out of my mouth
A shocking amount of parenthood is knowing which kid you’ll need to keep out of jail.
“Is that a banana in your pocket or…a dead banana?” -Schrödinger
Well it was really just a matter of time, but I think I’ve completely creeped out my sleep paralysis demon for good this time.
It doesn’t require opening the fridge door three times if you’re really hungry, you’ll find what you want the first time.
Yup.
Tubi just be putting anything on here… I just saw me walking by. 🤦🏽♀️
Sunday
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
Friend just told me she got a hair trim for $80. Told her my dog groomer would’ve bathed her, clipped nails & emptied anal glands for less.
Auto correct changed “mingle” to “mangle,” and now I’ve been uninvited to a Superbowl party.