Marriage tip: Never lie to your spouse but remember, the word “maybe” is your friend.
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Me to pregnant friend: Instead of practicing on a doll, I recommend you try to bathe, diaper, and swaddle a cat.
Friend: [exaggerated eye roll]
***6 months later***
Friend: Why didn’t anyone prepare me for reality?
Me: … [whispers] meow.
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
I’m buying a telescope so I can sell it at a garage sale in six years
Fun Fact: For the cost of a dozen red roses, you could also get a dozen beers and a dozen wings at happy hour. Prob even pay for parking too
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i have super vision
professor x: oh?
mom: stop talking to strangers
I read that peacocks “are obsessed with food and can become extremely aggressive when you dangle french fries in front of them”.
See you all later. I’m moving in with my new family now.
My favourite part of football is when they feed the players water like they’re hamsters
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Keep your longtime co-workers guessing and questioning their self-worth by forgetting their names.
What’s the best motorcycle for cardio? I’m trying to get into biking for exercise.
I got a book from the library about oils and lubricants…
It was in the non-friction section.
DOCTOR: I’m afraid I’ve got bad news
ME: *pulls an apple from pocket*
DOCTOR: *sweating* GOOD NEWS, I MEANT GOOD NEWS
I used to complain about crying babies on airplanes but last week I was flying, both pilots died & a crying baby landed us on a soccer field
Tomorrow is the 4th of July which means one thing, it’s going to be a really big day for nail art Instagram photos.
someone please explain to my neighbour I wasn’t “fighting a box,” I was doing the recycling
Take 1/5th the $ car insurance companies spend on advertising, apply it to health care, and everyone can have golden organs and never die.
Me, in DM rooms…
Loyalty is very important for my wife…
My girlfriend doesn’t care.
Funny how different sisters can be! 😜
Walking by the lingerie section
Youngest: Why do they make the underwear so fancy? No one is ever going to see it anyway.
Me: Uh huh.
Just don’t think we should be letting astronauts come back to Earth. You made your choice. You’re space’s problem now.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
Genie: I will grant you one wish
Me: I wish to be healthy and fit in both body and mind
Genie: I said a wish, not a miracle
Slugs keep eating my plants so I’ve moved them into the house. If we’re living together they might have second thoughts about eating my plants.
“His arms are spaghetti, his feet are spaghetti, on stage he’s spaghetti, his Mom’s spaghetti.” – Eminem first draft
I just want to be rich enough to stop giving people toilet paper for Christmas
English, if I ran it:
A group of geese is called a “group”
A group of buffalo is called a “group”
A group of catfish is called a “group”
NEIGHBOR: dude, that’s the scariest costume I’ve ever seen. I love Halloween.
ME: [wiping blood off my chainsaw onto my apron] costume?
Everyone knows you save the leftover wrapping pieces to make patches to cover the end of the box where the gift wrap shrank.
Her: You have very beautiful hair.
Me: Oh, you flirt!
*Hands me her card*
Her: If you’re ever thinking about selling it, call me…
[school email]
Parents, please send a snack with your child to school…no cookies or candy please. Let’s keep it healthy:)[same email]
Today’s lunch menu: Chocolate chip pancakes, syrup infused bacon, Mtn Dew soaked carrots, snorted Pixie sticks, and liquified Cinnabons