This going into the office stuff blows. Like, I seriously have to wear clothes now.
You Might Also Like
“I don’t care!”, he tweeted, again.
Pluto should totally move on and find a solar system that’s going to treat it with the respect it deserves.
This meal prepping shit is easy
@funTweeters Thanks for publishing my tweets.
Me: I’m surprised at how winded I am after this exercise.
Trainer: this was the tour of the gym…
My doctor told me to get my affairs in order. So line up guys, let’s get you numbered.
Shout out to all the dormant volcanoes out there, just chillin’, keepin’ that magma to themselves and whatnot.
Love means never having to say you’re sorry for accidentally bringing home six more cats.
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
ME: i’ve never been to europe
SOMEONE WHO’S BEEN TO EUROPE: you should totally go
ME: now that i think of it, it’s only been my lack of desire, alone, that has ever inhibited me to go so ok why not
Remember, fellow outdoorsy types: an odd number of rattles means the snake is delighted to see you; an even number says you should probably stay away.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
No vegetables were harmed in the making of tonight’s dinner.
my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
My dog and I are not cleaning up after you, you sick cannibals
Not to brag but both my kids are from the same dad
she turns her curious eyes to the stars and asks them “it’s daytime. how can i see you right now?” the wise and beautiful stars respond “u are high as shit, my friend”
If my kids ask, the police will arrest me if I let them stay up late.
17 year old me: *catches Bret Michaels’ sweaty bandana and stuffs it in my mouth*
Todays me: *carries hand sanitizer because of door knobs*
My opponent would have you believe I wear a tinfoil hat to block government mindreaders. I wear it to pretend I am from space. No questions
I moved to LA 9 months ago and I’ve just been circling around this whole time looking for a parking spot.
Me: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
Dan from the next cubicle: it’s annoying sitting so close to the office copier
If I was a Premier League manager and my team were playing an 8:15pm midweek match, I’d give my players just one piece of advice before kick-off:
Brush your teeth now and wear your pyjamas under your kit. That way, you’ll be able to go to bed quicker when you get home.
astronomy is a growing field as the universe is expected to expand indefinitely
My dad said he couldn’t get into Game of Thrones because he doesn’t like fantasy so I asked him when he was going to stop watching Fox News.
If you aren’t tying damsels in distress to railroad tracks while laughing maniacally, your curly moustache is going to waste
“Hi, its Mom, you may remember me from such hits as ‘Stop Licking That!’, ‘Why Am I Sticky?’, and ‘What Smells Like Pickles?’” -Future me leaving voicemails for my kids
“Is this InkJet any good?”
“Sure – we’ve sold it to royalty”
“Princesses?”
“Mate, it prints ALL the letters”
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.