This is why you don’t eat at everybody house
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The easiest way to get over someone is with a steamroller.
I texted my husband and reminded him that you guys told me a couple of weeks ago that it doesn’t take 6 hours to play 18 holes of golf.
His response, “You can’t believe everything you read on the Internet.”
Sex so mediocre, she makes you a blandwich…
*Comments on Facebook picture*
“That headband your baby is wearing really accentuates her baldness.”
My children’s inheritance is just 2,000 bottles of partially used nail polish.
“I set all the cattle free.”
– Reverse Cowgirl
if i ever get an STI, my husband and my boyfriend are gonna have a lot of explaining to do
Why do they only put expiration DATES on food? It’d be fun as hell if they gave us the exact time too. “We got 8 minutes to eat this ham!!!”
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.
“Struggling with insomnia” sounds like you’re just trying to help insomnia put on its coat and it won’t stop waving its arms around.
Someone on the radio said Britain will remain calm about the Coronavirus.
People phoned the police when KFC ran out of chicken
Me: I love you..Marry Me!
Burrito: I’m a Burrito..stop drinking.
[reading horrorscope] “More horror today”. That seems right
I have money, then I don’t have money, it all happens so fast!!
Power is like wine coolers. Both sound fun, but nobody drunk on either one has ever made a good decision
If you find a stylist who can cut hair without talking, never let them go
When one door closes, another one opens which is also one of the first signs you probably have a poltergeist.
I find it hard to believe that bears made porridge and the only thing wrong with it was the temperature.
The bright side of getting attacked by a Cyclops is only having to use half the pepper spray.
Day 1: This is a great chance to rediscover my love of cooking!
Day 5: *sink full of spoons, trash full of empty jars of peanut butter*
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Damn gurl, are you coronavirus? ‘Cause I wanna spend the next three months flattenin’ them currrrrves.
An interracial couple eating Cheerios and non-English speakers drinking Coke. We’re a Benghazi pizza commercial away from a Texas secession.
I thought I heard a noise last night so I got my bat and crept into the kitchen just to find out it was my own stomach grumbling.
Plot twist. He’s actually a beautiful woman pretending to be a gross boomer reply guy
quarantine day 1: filet mignon with bordelaise sauce, charred asparagus and roasted garlic fingering potatoes
quarantine day 5: entire bag of stale marshmallows
quarantine day 7: tequila
To me, suicide seems selfish. For all I know, someone else might want to kill me
“Hey Cyclops are you still dating Jean?”
“No Storm, we broke up. You could say she’s my…”
*lowers sunglasses*
*eye beams obliterate Storm*
Thanks to Target’s full length 3 way mirrors, I’m now painfully aware I look like a melting candle from the back.
Do I believe in angels?
I don’t know.Do I believe in cheese?
I can see cheese.
Cheese has helped me out in difficult times.
Yeah.