We’re in the exact point of climate change as when wile e. coyote runs off the cliff but hasn’t looked down yet
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An ape picks up a bone, contemplates it for a moment, has an idea, strikes his neighbour over the head with a satisfying ‘toc!’. And in that moment is born the xylophone.
a good captain goes down with the ship, i personally don’t need a professional obligation to sink to the bottom of the ocean, i just do it
At bedtime I ceremonially move the claw clip from my hair to the bag of chips, signifying the end of the day.
Me: Honey, I’m going on a burrito run, you want something:
Her: No, thanks I’m not hungry.
Me: *Buys her her own burrito cause I ain’t dumb*
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
[noticing that the girl i’m talking to at the bar is wearing a ring] I see you’ve won a super bowl
(telling a ghost story)
You know those knocking noises you hear at night? That’s adulthood coming for you!*all the adults start screaming*
When your prospective father-in-law asks:”Why do you ask for my daughters hand in marriage?”
Do NOT say:”Because I am tired of using my own”
interviewer: you have a 3 year gap on your resume that just says “vengeance”
me:
interviewer:
me: you don’t remember me do you?
Good news, managed to put the clock forward on the oven.
Bad news, think I’ve got a gas leak now.
The government is dysfunctional and needs to be fixed I’ll probably fall in love with it any minute
Waiters who dont write stuff down—what do you win?
If someone lends you their audio book, try not to lose it. You’ll never hear the end of it.
I can’t undo my mistakes. All I can do is make more mistakes and hope the original one gets diluted.
Never trust a fortune teller buying more than 1 lottery ticket.
I set my alarm clock 15 minutes fast because I enjoy doing math problems first thing in the morning,
I am astonishingly jubilant that I ultimately uncovered my mislaid thesaurus.
Meow
The question had been asked millions of times over thousands of years and I don’t know if science will ever answer the question:
How can a child this small take up so much room in a king sized bed
[attempting roleplay in the bedroom] how long have you lived in the neighborhood
Heard a rival dad is planning to hand out king size candy bars for Halloween so now every trick or treater that comes to my house is getting a full rack of ribs.
first date idea we walk around a graveyard and guess how people died
When a band has Z’s where S’s should be in their name, I’m like, “Woah, watch out! These bad boys aren’t playing by society’s rules.”
*robs neighbor’s chicken coop*
*serves poached eggs*
“Oh hell yes” – Schrödinger, reading the first line of A Tale of Two Cities
Twitter is like a dog: There’s always someone who loves you for you… there’s also always someone who just peed in an inappropriate place.
playing my favorite songs that no ones enjoying but me
I’ve been interrogating this dog for hours and he still won’t tell me who’s a good boy.
Friend: Take my advice, girls love guys with pets
*later*
Me:*holding a snake to date’s face* his name -stop screaming- his name is Carl.