I’m excuse, what’s your drunk
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9: I’m going to live with you guys forever
me: I don’t ever want to hear those words come out of your mouth again
The Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles wore masks to hide their identities from all the other walking and talking turtles
My wife went into labor this morning and I was excited until I saw that it’s somebody’s birthday on FB that I didn’t like.
Writing, She Murdered.
My neighbor asked me to plant a carrot in her garden and it was not a euphemism.
I have to go pack now. The movers are here.
Back in biblical times they had omelette takeaway restaurants. The most famous of these was called Judas Eggscarryout.
Noah’s wife: the ark is falling apart
Noah: glue might work, I have an idea
Horse: it’s weird he brought 3 of us
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
I’m 50. I thought I would have flown through a room almost horizontally shooting 2 handguns at the same time by now 😌💭
For a one-way mission to Mars, we should send a blogger. Not so they can blog about the experience, but so there’d be one less blogger.
2019: silently mouths “I love you” to husband across the room.
2021: silently mouths “I’m sorry. Are you in a work Zoom meeting right now? Don’t forget the kids have soccer at 6. For dinner let’s do tacos. Is that your annoying coworker talking right now? He’s the worst…”
Instead of a sock on your door, hang a doughnut. Not only is Doughnut Disturb hilarious, you provide a snack for your now homeless roommate.
So, when does this adulthood thing start then?
Canadian owl: Eh?
me: *keeps bumping the back of my hand against his trying to get him to hold mine*
death: quit it
Whenever a guy boasts he has a party in his pants, I always ask him to prove it.
If he’s not packin nachos, beer and M&Ms, I’m going home.
Being a woman has its benefits and unique skills, like being able to fix whatever’s wrong with the car by turning the radio up real loud.
My neighbours dog has more friends than I do and he bites.
I’m sorry I punched you when you said “Facebook me”.
I thought you said “Face punch me”.
I feel this so hard
This video changed my life . I need to know their backstory. I need to know every person in this group.
*kids running down the stairs*
DADDY, DADDY, I HEARD TOYS BUZZING IN YOUR ROOM AND MOMMY SAY, “SANTA CAME EARLY THIS YEAR.”
Me: i knew you’d pull through
drug dealer: [passing vitamin gummies] just go to walgreens man
When you’re not sure if people keep waving at you you might need to ease up on the hellocinogens
*being murdered*
Him: You should of kept your mouth shut
Me: No. It’s should HAVE
*gets stabbed another 84 times*
ME: *watching the sun rise* ugh, this shit again?
THE SUN: *watching the earth rotate around until I appear* ugh, this shit again?
him: I think we should see other people
me: is that on hulu or netflix
If I’m murdered, I hope I’m able to write out the killer’s name in blood and then “sucks” underneath
Humans should grow a new set of teeth in our 30s to make-up for all the poor decisions in our 20s.
Scientist: a comet is headed for earth, we need a plan
Me: howabout a big funnel
S: why would that help
M: u know, to like, guide it here