i cared about something once— must have been a glitch in the mehtrix
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It’s not a walk of shame if you do the Macarena to your car.
The trick to doing crimes is to wait until after 5pm when all the police have gone home for the day
8 [hugging me]: mummy you smell very good
Me [just showered]: aww thanks baby
8: not like before
*sets up 10 security questions for online account*
*clicks on “remember me”*
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
[Running a marathon]
Guy beside me: are- are you wearing tap dancing shoes?
Me: Hey, don’t assume I’m dying alone. I might find someone, you don’t know.
Waiter: I asked if you were dining alone.
Me: Oh, sorry. Yes.
Please stop inviting me to bars where I have to stand up the whole time I’m not a dairy cow
Swedish for common sense.
I yelled “STOP EATING CAT TURDS OR IT WILL HURT WHEN YOU POOP!” & my dog stopped eating, so if you need a motivational speaker contact me
I go out of my way for people. Whenever I see people, I go “Out of my way!”
*purges outlook inbox
weigh me now
Before you decide to have kids, ask yourself: is this apartment goat-friendly?
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
The average person swallows 8 spiders in their sleep but it’s actually one guy who’s chowing down like 7500 a night to make the numbers work
Bruce Willis in Starbucks. he gives his name as “not Bruce Willis” and when they call him he grabs his coffee and runs away giggling
Waiter you misunderstand me. I didn’t say “I need a Mountain Dew: Code Red.” I was letting you know how badly I need a regular Mountain Dew.
Our parents were right all along, the music is too loud.
Thinking of having kids? Practice getting small children ready to play in the snow by wrestling a pair of gloves onto an angry octopus.
If you’re looking for someone to mute the National Geographics channel and narrate the animals thoughts, look no further.
Another day of explaining to mom that New York is big and the footage she saw wasn’t shot on my street.
me: i won employee of the month
her: ur self-employed
me:
her:
me: i also got demoted
Alice: *falls into the rabbit hole*
White Rabbit: WROOOOOONG HOOOOOOOLE
How do I tell Instagram I don’t want to see guys almost eaten by gators?
*hypnotists breaking up*
four years Greg. FOUR fucking years and not ONCE have I been feeling very sleepy
Interviewer: “Why do you want to be a librarian?”
Me: “I like telling people to be quiet.”
Sometimes I get bored and try to get random people to read “alpha kenny body” 3 times fast.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
Can’t figure out why my allergies are so bad. I changed my med regimen, listened to my doctor’s advice, took my extra meds, bathed, rubbed my face on each of my four cats…
[describing criminal to sketch artist]
He had the elbows of a seasoned kayaker. He had a racist hairline.